Moon Halo!

Ok my astral sign of good luck is a moon halo. Anyone know what that is? When the moons light hits the clouds and creates this massive halo around the moon right. Well tonight I saw a massive one with a line from a plane going through it. Mars was even inside it to show it's support. Needless to say altogether it was the most beautiful moon halo I have ever seen. I thus assume that because I believe these to be a sign of good luck for me that something amazing is about to happen to me. I don't know what but seeing that at the start of a New Year in the sky just blows me away. I can't wait 2012 is going to be life changing i just know it. Maybe I'll find true love, Maybe I'll be propelled forward with my art or writing. I can't say for sure but I know whatever it is it will be amazing. God I love my life. Currently, i have an animation i worked on processing and soon to be released, working on some hush hush thing for TNTML, writing as always, Lots of art here and there, and still looking for that one girl to bring this crazy life of mine full circle. I want more so much more life is giving and I'm taking. I appreciate it all so much.

In closing

Well it's been another year gone by... looking back I can safely say it's been both a good and a bad year. I have chased and lost. I have worked and achieved. As far as advancing my life I have done that to perfection. I have pushed myself both in my regular job and in my art. I have made new connections that will hopefully garner new and exciting developments. I have made new friends and lost some to the pendulum of time. I have both failed to stop smoking and lost the weight I so desparetly wanted to drop.

Artistically, I am working for Misti Dawn (side note my art starts all of her homebrewed porns :))for the site The Naughty Nerd. Soon you'll be able to buy my prints in their shop there. I have continued to write for TNTML, picked up a new writing gig for The Hype, worked on my poetry, and even attempted stand up comedy which I have been told is actually pretty good. Still won't know till i get in front of a real audience.

Another one of my brothers got married this year. Beautiful service. Illustrated just how badly I am doing at finding my own love in this world. Doing my best to find it I just think I'm a little much for any girl. Facebook is probably a killer for any blossoming relationship as I tend to have way to many crazy photo's there and my gallery of gorgious girls hanging off me most likely makes people assume I'm some kind of poon hound. This could not be further from the truth. In the last year I had sex with 1 girl. The year before that... 1 girl. In fact I am averaging 1 girl a year and that's gotta be some kind of sad record. It's not that my intention with any new relationship is to get laid but it seems to be how guys base how well you do in any way. I just can't invest myself sexually with someone unless i connect on a mental level and while i have found girls that i do connect with finding ones that aren't damaged and distant that still match that qualification are few and far between. Maybe i have way to high of standards, maybe I just think things through to much and when it comes to passion can't act in the moment. I'm sure I've had far more chances to hook up than i want to admit to. Just can't seem to do the casual sex thing.

Love will be something to work on in the new year. So here we go... New Years resolutions. Lose another 50 lbs. This one will be a lot harder after the initial major weight loss but I'm going to be joining a weight loss competition. That should help ;). Get back into a habit of going to the gym every night. Knock out way more art and push myself to be even better. Lastly, Stop smoking. Yeah this was one last year and I achieved it twice and then failed twice. So I think i can nail this one this year. Just gotta remember not to snack so much when i do it. Also I'll need to remember to take breaks to just go outside and stand and think. That's the most addicting thing about smoking I've found the quite moments of contemplation I get for myself. So there you go folks here's to the New Year i do hope this one was good for you all.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

So things in my life are fantastic in all but love. Had easily one of the most epic Birthday parties ever. Where we all dressed up like Demons and Angels. I was half and half. I looked scary as all hell. Couldn't move around a whole lot for the first few hours of the party. Not till after I took off my 50lb wings. Side note that same outfit got used at a strip club later for an event they were having, Which I was the only guy who dressed up. Le sigh. Topeka just doesn't take themes as serious as Manhattan does I guess.

Swing forward a bit I got to spend quite a bit of time with my family this Thanksgiving which rocked. I tell you what my family is core in my life. I love them and they are amazing. My brothers and I played Munchkin and some other games. All together amazing Thanksgiving I wish i got to see all of them more. We are very lucky two of my brothers wives live in the same area as my parents.

Swing forward to This last weekend starting with my dear friend Kate. After coming off a late night drinking fest with my friend Mr Kim. I took off for Club Orleans again to celebrate my friend Kate's B-day party. She works there so we had a ball that night. Mostly at the club I kept her BF entertained and drew like I always do at strip clubs. It was Christmas themed that night so many of the girls were dressed up as santa's hot ass helpers. Afterwards we all went out for IHOP. Damn near got kicked out. What can you expect from exotic dancers and people like me lol. Got back home at 5 in the morning where I maybe got 2 hours of sleep before heading into work which turned out to be quite hellish. Graduation day in Manhattan, KS. Running on two hours of sleep and just off a 9 hr shift already 20 hours into over time I stay awake and move into pirate gear because the Jolly Rogers, KC Renn Fest talent are playing my bar for Sully's birthday. Easily, one of the best shows I've ever seen there. Can't decide which I like better, them or White Ghost Shivers. Dear readers look these two up and love their music. In any case I got supper drunk and so did Sully. I apparently, got her husband because i got worried about her and they got her home safely. So tonight I took it easy even though all the drinks were only a dollar. Still so much good food at Mae's. This girl Tori OMG makes the best food ever.

So that's that life is epic. Love however not so much I feel like I never pick girls that will be an easy task. I will say this for all the girls I go after and turn me down. Telling me I'm the most amazing guy and that I'll make some girl just not them a perfect match is absolutely fucking crazy. Don't tell a guy he's awesome but you don't want him. Because if he is awesome you would want him. It's not a nice thing to say when you break up or deny someone. Just say sorry we don't mesh or you and I aren't going to work. Compliments are awful it's a double edged sword. Much like telling someone something like, "you look great to bad you smell awful." See that and what I talked about above. Same damn thing. So knock it off. Maybe this new girl will work maybe not. I'm not holding my breath any more and I'm sure as shit not chasing anyone like I did Laura. That's for damn sure. My heart all the way in part is dead. You want all of my heart you are going to need to give me a reason to shock it back into life. Oh well it's late I got a big week coming up so I'll see you cats later.

Woah! Been a while...

So if any of you actually read this you may recall I had been after that girl in the picture in the post below. That's over, done, finished. I am in no way pursuing her anymore nor is there any reserved hope to be with her. I am done and I finally got a solid, "NO" from her. Not in a bad way, screamy way, or a twist out my heart way. It was just a simple nope and I'm fine with that. I was free and I loved it. My friends were cautious, fearing my happiness was derived out of madness. I was content 10 years I had wondered what if? 10 years I had held on to this string in the back of my mind and I have finally let that string go. The weight it dropped was more than even I was aware. So am I sad it didn't go the way I wanted? Sure , but I've got my answer now so that doesn't even matter.

Obviously, having finally laid that beast of burden to rest I was back out to find a girl that actually wanted to be with me. Wasn't all wishy washy and the like. Seems I have a type and that type is un-available. Of course the next girl I go after would be completely disconnected from anything but a desire to be wanted and unable to find her own happiness. That can act as a black hole as anytime a person needs to feel acceptance above all else you can never give enough. Nor will they believe any sweet or encouraging words you have to offer. In the end I simply said I couldn't chase her and until she found her own happiness she would never be content with anyone she was with. It may have been harsh but ultimately I doubt she listened. We rarely listen to any advice given and don't find the merit in it until we come to that conclusion ourselves down the line. Only then can we look back at the advice given and realize we should have listened ages ago.

So prospects are ok got a really cute, super nerdy in an amazing way girl that I dig on, I think she likes me a bit to but who knows. All I know is she knows I like her so no friend zone. That is unless she would rather not take things anywhere. I hope so though we click so far. Good dialogue and pretty open about any topic. It's rare to find that type of honesty about all parts of life. Two non- liers. Truth all the way.

In art news I've started working with Satine's Brother or at least working on something for him. See if I can't create something he can use. Also still working with Misti hence the picture up top. I can't wait to see where I go art wise so far it's pretty exciting :).

She's a minefield

So as I said it was the Renn Fair and I was pretty excited to spend that time with Laura. In fact the whole of the weekend went super well. Till right before she left she sort of dropped a bomb on me. After telling me she was damaged. A bomb that haunted me. So to hopefully alleviate the coming news whatever it may be I did something that I hadn't done sense the last time I chased her. I wrote her an email. See when I write emails they tend to be long and forthcoming. This one I held back on anything I thought might have been overwhelming as that's what got me into trouble the last time. In fact it was my overwhelming nature that spooked her although I don't think I had a real chance the last time anyway. My romantic ways didn't help in the matter. So I sent her this email basically saying I don't care what damages you have I'm ready to be there for you in any capacity you need. It has been my first outpouring of yes I want us to move forward sense our renewed acquaintance. Still I feel like I'm walking through a mine field with this girl. Every time I try and do anything that builds communication and understanding it's met with a new wall. A new block or new opposition. I can't seem to dodge or forgo these obstacles. Personally, it's almost backwards to me in a world that favors the bold she seems to favor the busted, broken, and cautious. Neither of which I am anymore. So yeah I have a job, I am becoming quite successful both in writing and art. I have aspiring roles in 3 different websites all art related and I am actually making a name for myself. I pay my own bills, I have good credit. Hell I'm a stand up individual. I've had my heartbroken, but it's not slowing me down. I'm pushing on in all ways I can. So after sending this email I had hoped for some sort of a response not even a response to the letter just a hey I got it and I'm not freaked out. So I got nervous after a day, worried after 2 days. Which prompted a second text but I stayed within my guidelines of never texting more than once a day. Still when she called she sounded annoyed. As if my worrying were something burdensome to her. That quickly passed sense she knows my mind plays war games with me. Which I have finally found the answer to. Simply put I need to accept failure. I need to assume I have lost already. If I don't it will be a happy surprise if she comes for me and if I do fail then I'll surely be ready. That's the position I'll adopt now. My mind has little defense against such a tactic so I think I'll be able to rest easy. I acknowledge I shouldn't have worried like I did. It does neither of us any good. She asked if I thought she would hate me and I simply said "No." I was only worried it may have been taken badly. I'm tired of playing these games with myself and her. I'm ready and if she's not so be it. She said something else that was oddly cryptic. She said, "I can't be responsible for your happiness." Which is something I never asked her to be responsible for so I was a little shocked by that line of reasoning. Still it is what it is. I shall be defeated. I'll throw in my towel and let life take me where it wants. I have resigned myself to be me and love the things I am doing in the here and now. I'll push hope to the wayside because hope results in nervousness and worrying. No need to hope if I have failed. I gave her my plea and if it's not something she can abide by I'll move on. So that's where I am now world. See you in the marrow.

I danced with her and fire dancers

When you have a weekend like this one it's hard to find fault in your relationship or lack there of relationship. We hit up the Renn Fest in KC and even though she got there late thanks to detours and road construction. It was amazing to get to be dressed in full pirate garb with Laura. Sarah had made me a pretty legit Pirate Outfit and I ended up even getting a real eye patch not just one of those funny looking ones that are plastic. Laura and I caught at least 3 Jolly Rogers shows. (side note Sully and I booked them for Auntie Mae's on the 10th.) We laughed and screamed along in proper pirate fashion during the shows. Jeered Robin hood as little John kicked his ass and danced along side flame weavers. It was an amazing day from there we came back to Manhattan and immediately into Aggifest. Caught a few bands but we were pretty bushed came back to my place and just cuddled up and fell asleep. We slept in till almost 11 the next day and went out for Breakfast/Lunch. Chilled out some more and then I sent her on her way. So I have a few more answers from Laura. It seems like a mine field Just trying to tip toe through her mental process to find out where I fit in her life. What things are keeping us from being together at this point and what I can do to change that. Seems her X Husband is leering back into the picture and damn it all if that isn't hard to counter act. I sent her a well written note on my thoughts. With any luck it won't be perceived as overwhelming. Still I don't even know anymore. When we are together nothing's wrong we are happy and just having fun. Even lately when we are apart the communication is good. I haven't found fault in our relationship yet still it's not where i want it to be. I actually want to take those steps to make us and US to get us rolling on the right track. She told me I represent a healthy meaningful relationship and to that I say why not act on it. She seems to think she's really damaged goods but even if she is. I don't mind I'm not here to fix her but I'll be there to help her find the answers. Time to see from here things get interesting.

I'm Tired

I'm tired. Tired of working these 45 hr weeks. Tired of constantly creating in some form. I love it it's not a bad thing but it's draining. Most of all chasing the ghost of a relationship I've been after. It's been almost a year and in that year we have had so many almosts and come so close it can be very defeating. It seems like anything I do or don't do falls to the way side. I can't seem to shake what ever road blocks have been set between Laura and I. I realize distance is an issue. She does live 2 hours away but in that she is given her space. She knows she has all the space in the world and so it's not that that hinders me. I can be there for her if she needs me or when she needs me. 2 hours isn't a hard drive. Most of my friend in LA have a 2 hour drive to see their significant others and they live in the same town. That's ridiculous. Plus I know she has maintained long distance relationships in the past and I wouldn't be one to make her do all the work. I used to be very romantic and giving. Still that seemed to lead me to trouble as she thought it was overwhelming. So I have cut that to bare bones as of late. It's still there but I won't be forcing it on her. I am still me and that's what she wanted the extra stuff seemed to just be too much. So no more of that. Calling her too often landed in that category as well. She's not a big phone, IM or text talker. Mostly, it just bugs her. Previously, she said it feels like a serious relationship when you talk everyday and she just wasn't looking for serious. I know I was. So this second time around I have restricted my calling, texting and messages. She has told me she really likes this whole being single and getting to know herself thing. Still I hate being held at bay because what I want isn't ready for me yet. To say she wants us is I think a safe assumption. When we are together everything is there. We are happy and sparks do seem to fly. I realize she finds it hard to even trust herself to be with me because of what I represent. Hope. I represent forever and that's something she wants but she's not ready for yet. So what do I do? Do I stay back and keep my fingers crossed hoping someday soon she'll see us as an US or do I just move on and be content to be her friend? Well that's what I had aimed for previously. When I went down there my full intention was to just be that friend. Still she gave me decent reason to believe she wanted more. Still she drew away. A fear maybe that what if we could work out. A fear that if we didn't would we be lost from each other again. I still believe a lot of these fears have been alleviated by our reunion. If we were going to be broken apart we wouldn't be talking and texting and seeing each other. I suppose that says something. Still we will see. I am so tired of this chase and after Octobers Harry Potter Party if I don't know if we are moving forward I believe I'll be moving on. It's the only sane choice I can make and she'll have to let me go or chase after me. It's really on her now. I've walled up my heart when it comes to this girl and for good reason. Guess time will tell but time's something that seems to be making me weaker.

-Art - Firefly of course