IF: Midsummer Night (nightmare)

New Chapter - length to be determined

It's a funny thing really. Just a few months ago I was ripping myself apart to find out why the girl I liked didn't like me. Literally, tearing at my soul. So its somewhat shocking that so shortly after that I have found myself involved with someone new. She's very intelligent so conversation wise we always have things to talk about. Still she's a different kind of nerd than me. Certainly a lot of opposites to work with here. I don't know if we'll pan out. Honestly, I don't know if this is all just another rebound thing for each of us. Seeing as we both just got out of relationships but for now it's good to be wanted. It's good to be desired. I fear I have closed myself off emotionally however after the soul wrench I did in the previous relationship. I Have locked my heart away for now and I'm giving it time to heal. It needs that. So for now I won't be opening it up. For fear that getting it involved in anything new when the wounds from the last are still so fresh will only aggravate the wound.

If she's at the same place it's probably for the best. We have talked about it in passing how neither of us know if this is going somewhere. Personally, I think we should just enjoy each others company and if things start to get weird, dramatic, or awkward part ways and keep the friendship. We share a lot of things in common as well. Still I think some of our core beliefs will conflict in big ways as the desire phase passes into the true knowledge phase. Guess we'll see. Still for now its a grand new adventure and I think it shall play a role in crafting who we are. At least whom I am and will be. Every new direction, every new decision leads us right to where we will end up. Can't wait to see the end of my story because getting there has been marvelous.

In more awesome news my brother Stephen is finally married. I say finally like it's been something coming for years and in a way it has. Still that makes two younger brothers of mine married before me. That kind of eats at you. I know it's not a race but damn it all how is it that I suck so bad at finding a real love. Oh well. I'll carry on in my crazy life. You see that's why i can't find it. The girl I'm looking for will no doubt have to deal with her own fair share of crazy. Seriously, I'm tempered in pure out there antics. Maybe I like the reaction, maybe I like to push people just far enough to test their resolve. Maybe I'm just me and I decided a long time ago that I want the person who falls for me to fall for me and not a mask I wear trying to be something they want me to be. Still I don't mind making minor concessions. Anyway, peace! I gotta sleep. 9 - 5 tomorrow. Gotta pour myself a cup of ambition and hope and pray it's not 100 degrees there again.

Swept

End of Hope

Ok, maybe not the full on end of hope. I still had to cut ties for now. I really have no idea, now especially, if we'll run back into each other romantically. Seems unlikely, but if we do it will be on her part so... the heart wants what the heart wants and hers didn't want me right now. I really think she gave it a good try and that she hoped it would. Still what can ya do. So moving on to the next chapter. That last one kinda tore me apart and I still get aftershocks of pain here and there. It's so surreal sometimes I see her face and house in my mind. I dream walk through them as if I can still grasp at them. So many songs, movies, youtube clips, and just plain moments in life remind me of her. We have so much in common. This has been one of my shortest relationships in my life but I invested so much of myself in it that it may have become the most damning. She will always have embers burning in my soul for her. She knows it too. Also kinda ruined the movie Tangled for me. I really really loved that movie. Now I can barely make it through the paper lantern scene. Le sigh. Ok! so that's all well and good there moving on and past that. Like I said she can come for me if she likes. I'm done investing in something that will most likely never pan out. Done hoping for something that seems to always slip through my grasp.

Moving on in random life updates. I've sense January been on a major get healthy kick. I've been controlling my calories. Working out at least 5 times a week, and most recently I have quit smoking again. At least I am trying to. I hate the first few weeks of the end of smoking. It's kind of awful and not because of the cravings. That I can deal with it's the fact that you are getting your taste buds back so everything thing tastes and smells new and usually really weird. Also you cough soooo much it's ridiculous. You are hacking out all that crap in your throat and lungs that had been built up there for however long you smoked. Anyway, in a few more weeks I'm sure I'll feel super healthy. I already miss the appetite supression and stimulant in it but what can ya do. No better time to quit smoking than when you are actively exercising. That way you aren't gaining the weight all smokers fear you will gain after giving up the nicotine crutch. Quitting smoking doesn't lend it's self to weight gain it's trading smoking for snacking something that always seems to happen. I was using a Blu Cig - An electronic Cigarette... but I washed it and I'm pretty sure it's not working anymore. So I guess it's cold turkey for me. Woot! I have gained the evil 5 - 10lbs back, but I have been pushing myself way harder at the gym to get fit so that ultimately that won't get me down. I've worked to hard not to push through. I was also taking these pills that boost your matabolism. My friend said it's way better to just work it off instead of using chemical aids. When you use the stimulants, if you stop using them the lbs come back pretty fast.

So there ya have it a little run down in my life of all the craziness that's happening. Look forward to new antic with what ever new girl decided to enthrall me ;)