Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Speak and I will listen


Albert Schweitzer said,In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

I have had many experiences in my life and I rarely regret any of them. The ones I do regret involve hate. I hated my old preacher for many years for the things he did to my family and only recently forgave him and allowed myself to let that hate go. It was so relieving I cried on the spot. Hates a heavy thing to carry around with you and something I won't let myself deal with from now on.

Anyway recently this within this year anyway I have had the pleasure of working with a guy named Andre He was pretty shy at work at first really didn't open up to anyone and for some reason he choose me when I asked about his tattoos sense I knew a bit about the meaning behind them. Surprised that anyone else in this town would know anything about the Wicca Religion we started talking about our different beliefs and recently thanks to a lot of things I've been reading I have come into contact with an interesting shift in my own beliefs. Not the core things mind you but a realization that the powers that be may be very wide and of many different varieties. So you can never fully discount some one's beliefs because to believe in something anything can make it true. For example we as Christians ask others to believe in what we believe without a great deal of solid support albeit we find what we can to shift reason to our side. But in other belief settings there are powers that are equally unexplainable with completely different beliefs and gods behind them.

So today Andre gave me a rock ... one of those polished stones you know. I just kinda stared at it not really knowing what to say when he explained that it was his personal
Anahata stone it was used for healing and to relieve stress in the body and soul. He wanted me to have it for my kindness to him. He also told me he had made me a dream pillow... much the same as a dream catcher with native American lore. I can imagine. Being a big fan of dreams and especially lucid dreaming I was eager to learn more about the dreaming realm. And if a pillow could ward off the dreams of evil looking to find safe harbor in my mind so be it. Now I don't know if what I felt was real or a projection through my body based on my brief belief in his belief system but I felt energy in the stone he gave me. Weird but make you wonder just what can come from true belief.

Christianity has through prayers cured incurable and often terminal patients and what what I know about Wicca its done similar things. I don't know all I know is that my kindness has effected a man's life and his life in turn is affecting mine. Truly a benevolent heart and a kind gesture can grant you access to the depths of the human soul far faster than bribery or false promises. Trust, caring and faith remains a key to the human heart. may it lead me to great places and may I never regret my experiences.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The curses and blessings of life.


Most people in this world strive to exceed excellence. I suppose I am the same but I must admit I'm usually content with the way my life goes. very relaxed not a lot of drama and with in my means. These last few weeks have been riddled with apathy, excitement, crushing financial blows, and random drama. So to start all this my mom whom is awesome sent me 800 bucks as a help you out in the future type of thing from surplus crop funds. That on top of the 1000 I got from a commission led me to get a new TV and surround sound system. And pay off a lot of my credit card debt all together at once. Got rid of one credit card. YAY! 2 more to go. Well right after all this getting ready to knock out another credit card with the money my mom sent me I got a bit of car trouble that came in the form of a Grand of damage... :'( So there went that 800 lucky for sure that my mom had just sent that money. Cherry's gone for a week thats kinda weird I haven't really gone that long without seeing her even if we aren't dating. She was due for a real adventure though. I have been somewhat apathetic this week mostly video games and art and tv Shows. i watched all of Season 2 of both burn notice and The Spectacular spiderman. These are both amazing shows that you all should check out.
Other than that still doing a bunch of commissions and really working on getting them done and upgrading my art in the process. Hence the picture up top one of my first successful waccom paintings of cthuhlu vs Hellboy hope you like it. Lastly getting caught in between a friendly fire end of relationship with two of your friends sucks. thats all bye now.

pepsi

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Lonely Knights


It's nights like this when the world comes crashing down. When you do all you can to smile and laugh because there is no reason not to. When all the roads you have walked are seeming to be taking you places and all you can concentrate is that your walking them alone. It's been 3 months sense I broke up with cherry and it was a good break. It was a break up that should have happened I know that in the dark recesses of my mind. But there was comfort in having someone there you know. In being able to fall asleep and wake up and see the person you love next to you. And as I lay awake in bed waiting for the sun to rise and my eyes to fall based on need of sleep alone It all blossoms into loneliness. Tonight she asked me if there was anything she could do to help. Take me back I thought but didn't mean or really believe in. Knowing still the decision was solid. The worst part was our relationship blossomed to become even stronger and yes that's not a bad thing. But I stop and think why couldn't that have been the way the relationship itself worked. Why did it feel so stagnated by the reality of the future. The impending doom at the dead end.


I'm a romantic I always have been I put myself fully into any relationship and yet I live in a college town where girls are just now “finding” themselves trying to figure out what they want in life which makes them all the more appealing and yet all the more subjective to whim. The singles scene is over laden with girls looking for the solid guys but they have blinders on for guys that just want to party and get drunk Or on the other end of that spectrum are the girls who are career lead, “oh I have no time for relationships now how about a hook up.” No investment, not love. Just to follow the feeling of pleasure to remind ourselves that we can feel it before we move on to the next thrill. I love Manhattan I truly do it's close to my family all of whom I care for deeply and have been nothing if not the greatest support system in my life. But this week which I admit has been a down week for me. Most of my friends too busy to hang out or out fo town and myself to self annihilating to leave the comfort of my pencil and paper. I've created more art in this week than in the last 2 months. Pushing myself to excel at it.. To met my own expectations in my world. Relying on the Lord of dreams to offer me the sanctuary in the arms of the girls I have loved and Lord Morpheus has done his part well, I fault him not for the feelings of loneliness when I stretch out in the morning to grasp at the wisps of dreams lost. Content to let the world spin as I unravel yet another predictable day. I am not disillusioned that I feel scorn for myself or self worth I know I'm the handsome young man my mom loves, the hot and ready devilish entrepreneur that can fulfill a girls desires and the artistic mind to challenge myself and wow those around me. I know where I need to go and I plan on getting there.


But weeks like these where I watch crushes walk on by without the courage to tell them my hearts truth or steal away my own drama in a friends listening ear for fear of burdening them with my own seemingly mundane problems. Its all to short this existence but you need to feel the lows to love the highs; something I told cherry tonight when she offered her ear for my troubles. Its a mourning period I had set aside for a raining day not wanting anyone to see just how fragile this giant can be. I love my real friends those that will always be there for me through thick and thin... my family of course cherry, amber, Nathan, CJ and others down that path that shifts and swings with the unrelenting chaos of time. I don't even know what or who I want right now I just know I'm walking down the right path to get there. I wonder if other people and I'm sure they do go through similar bouts with their subconscious mind, whom has been oddly supportive as of late leading to a much greater surge of confidence but a much greater realization of my own responsibility. I couldn't talk to cherry tonight not like I would have liked and thank you CJ for being there to let me sit and mope on your couch while watching a ridiculous road trip movie. Sometimes the easiest answer is to watch a really dumb funny movie.


But for now no worries my friends for every low there is a high and I'm an optimist so be sure it's right there around the corner waiting to bring me from these dark depths. Sometimes you just have to be patient. Mhm had to rain tonight. I love the rain, absolutely love it but as far as a downer mood misrepresent it fails magnificently. Much love to you all and to all a good night.