In closing

Well it's been another year gone by... looking back I can safely say it's been both a good and a bad year. I have chased and lost. I have worked and achieved. As far as advancing my life I have done that to perfection. I have pushed myself both in my regular job and in my art. I have made new connections that will hopefully garner new and exciting developments. I have made new friends and lost some to the pendulum of time. I have both failed to stop smoking and lost the weight I so desparetly wanted to drop.

Artistically, I am working for Misti Dawn (side note my art starts all of her homebrewed porns :))for the site The Naughty Nerd. Soon you'll be able to buy my prints in their shop there. I have continued to write for TNTML, picked up a new writing gig for The Hype, worked on my poetry, and even attempted stand up comedy which I have been told is actually pretty good. Still won't know till i get in front of a real audience.

Another one of my brothers got married this year. Beautiful service. Illustrated just how badly I am doing at finding my own love in this world. Doing my best to find it I just think I'm a little much for any girl. Facebook is probably a killer for any blossoming relationship as I tend to have way to many crazy photo's there and my gallery of gorgious girls hanging off me most likely makes people assume I'm some kind of poon hound. This could not be further from the truth. In the last year I had sex with 1 girl. The year before that... 1 girl. In fact I am averaging 1 girl a year and that's gotta be some kind of sad record. It's not that my intention with any new relationship is to get laid but it seems to be how guys base how well you do in any way. I just can't invest myself sexually with someone unless i connect on a mental level and while i have found girls that i do connect with finding ones that aren't damaged and distant that still match that qualification are few and far between. Maybe i have way to high of standards, maybe I just think things through to much and when it comes to passion can't act in the moment. I'm sure I've had far more chances to hook up than i want to admit to. Just can't seem to do the casual sex thing.

Love will be something to work on in the new year. So here we go... New Years resolutions. Lose another 50 lbs. This one will be a lot harder after the initial major weight loss but I'm going to be joining a weight loss competition. That should help ;). Get back into a habit of going to the gym every night. Knock out way more art and push myself to be even better. Lastly, Stop smoking. Yeah this was one last year and I achieved it twice and then failed twice. So I think i can nail this one this year. Just gotta remember not to snack so much when i do it. Also I'll need to remember to take breaks to just go outside and stand and think. That's the most addicting thing about smoking I've found the quite moments of contemplation I get for myself. So there you go folks here's to the New Year i do hope this one was good for you all.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

So things in my life are fantastic in all but love. Had easily one of the most epic Birthday parties ever. Where we all dressed up like Demons and Angels. I was half and half. I looked scary as all hell. Couldn't move around a whole lot for the first few hours of the party. Not till after I took off my 50lb wings. Side note that same outfit got used at a strip club later for an event they were having, Which I was the only guy who dressed up. Le sigh. Topeka just doesn't take themes as serious as Manhattan does I guess.

Swing forward a bit I got to spend quite a bit of time with my family this Thanksgiving which rocked. I tell you what my family is core in my life. I love them and they are amazing. My brothers and I played Munchkin and some other games. All together amazing Thanksgiving I wish i got to see all of them more. We are very lucky two of my brothers wives live in the same area as my parents.

Swing forward to This last weekend starting with my dear friend Kate. After coming off a late night drinking fest with my friend Mr Kim. I took off for Club Orleans again to celebrate my friend Kate's B-day party. She works there so we had a ball that night. Mostly at the club I kept her BF entertained and drew like I always do at strip clubs. It was Christmas themed that night so many of the girls were dressed up as santa's hot ass helpers. Afterwards we all went out for IHOP. Damn near got kicked out. What can you expect from exotic dancers and people like me lol. Got back home at 5 in the morning where I maybe got 2 hours of sleep before heading into work which turned out to be quite hellish. Graduation day in Manhattan, KS. Running on two hours of sleep and just off a 9 hr shift already 20 hours into over time I stay awake and move into pirate gear because the Jolly Rogers, KC Renn Fest talent are playing my bar for Sully's birthday. Easily, one of the best shows I've ever seen there. Can't decide which I like better, them or White Ghost Shivers. Dear readers look these two up and love their music. In any case I got supper drunk and so did Sully. I apparently, got her husband because i got worried about her and they got her home safely. So tonight I took it easy even though all the drinks were only a dollar. Still so much good food at Mae's. This girl Tori OMG makes the best food ever.

So that's that life is epic. Love however not so much I feel like I never pick girls that will be an easy task. I will say this for all the girls I go after and turn me down. Telling me I'm the most amazing guy and that I'll make some girl just not them a perfect match is absolutely fucking crazy. Don't tell a guy he's awesome but you don't want him. Because if he is awesome you would want him. It's not a nice thing to say when you break up or deny someone. Just say sorry we don't mesh or you and I aren't going to work. Compliments are awful it's a double edged sword. Much like telling someone something like, "you look great to bad you smell awful." See that and what I talked about above. Same damn thing. So knock it off. Maybe this new girl will work maybe not. I'm not holding my breath any more and I'm sure as shit not chasing anyone like I did Laura. That's for damn sure. My heart all the way in part is dead. You want all of my heart you are going to need to give me a reason to shock it back into life. Oh well it's late I got a big week coming up so I'll see you cats later.

Woah! Been a while...

So if any of you actually read this you may recall I had been after that girl in the picture in the post below. That's over, done, finished. I am in no way pursuing her anymore nor is there any reserved hope to be with her. I am done and I finally got a solid, "NO" from her. Not in a bad way, screamy way, or a twist out my heart way. It was just a simple nope and I'm fine with that. I was free and I loved it. My friends were cautious, fearing my happiness was derived out of madness. I was content 10 years I had wondered what if? 10 years I had held on to this string in the back of my mind and I have finally let that string go. The weight it dropped was more than even I was aware. So am I sad it didn't go the way I wanted? Sure , but I've got my answer now so that doesn't even matter.

Obviously, having finally laid that beast of burden to rest I was back out to find a girl that actually wanted to be with me. Wasn't all wishy washy and the like. Seems I have a type and that type is un-available. Of course the next girl I go after would be completely disconnected from anything but a desire to be wanted and unable to find her own happiness. That can act as a black hole as anytime a person needs to feel acceptance above all else you can never give enough. Nor will they believe any sweet or encouraging words you have to offer. In the end I simply said I couldn't chase her and until she found her own happiness she would never be content with anyone she was with. It may have been harsh but ultimately I doubt she listened. We rarely listen to any advice given and don't find the merit in it until we come to that conclusion ourselves down the line. Only then can we look back at the advice given and realize we should have listened ages ago.

So prospects are ok got a really cute, super nerdy in an amazing way girl that I dig on, I think she likes me a bit to but who knows. All I know is she knows I like her so no friend zone. That is unless she would rather not take things anywhere. I hope so though we click so far. Good dialogue and pretty open about any topic. It's rare to find that type of honesty about all parts of life. Two non- liers. Truth all the way.

In art news I've started working with Satine's Brother or at least working on something for him. See if I can't create something he can use. Also still working with Misti hence the picture up top. I can't wait to see where I go art wise so far it's pretty exciting :).

She's a minefield

So as I said it was the Renn Fair and I was pretty excited to spend that time with Laura. In fact the whole of the weekend went super well. Till right before she left she sort of dropped a bomb on me. After telling me she was damaged. A bomb that haunted me. So to hopefully alleviate the coming news whatever it may be I did something that I hadn't done sense the last time I chased her. I wrote her an email. See when I write emails they tend to be long and forthcoming. This one I held back on anything I thought might have been overwhelming as that's what got me into trouble the last time. In fact it was my overwhelming nature that spooked her although I don't think I had a real chance the last time anyway. My romantic ways didn't help in the matter. So I sent her this email basically saying I don't care what damages you have I'm ready to be there for you in any capacity you need. It has been my first outpouring of yes I want us to move forward sense our renewed acquaintance. Still I feel like I'm walking through a mine field with this girl. Every time I try and do anything that builds communication and understanding it's met with a new wall. A new block or new opposition. I can't seem to dodge or forgo these obstacles. Personally, it's almost backwards to me in a world that favors the bold she seems to favor the busted, broken, and cautious. Neither of which I am anymore. So yeah I have a job, I am becoming quite successful both in writing and art. I have aspiring roles in 3 different websites all art related and I am actually making a name for myself. I pay my own bills, I have good credit. Hell I'm a stand up individual. I've had my heartbroken, but it's not slowing me down. I'm pushing on in all ways I can. So after sending this email I had hoped for some sort of a response not even a response to the letter just a hey I got it and I'm not freaked out. So I got nervous after a day, worried after 2 days. Which prompted a second text but I stayed within my guidelines of never texting more than once a day. Still when she called she sounded annoyed. As if my worrying were something burdensome to her. That quickly passed sense she knows my mind plays war games with me. Which I have finally found the answer to. Simply put I need to accept failure. I need to assume I have lost already. If I don't it will be a happy surprise if she comes for me and if I do fail then I'll surely be ready. That's the position I'll adopt now. My mind has little defense against such a tactic so I think I'll be able to rest easy. I acknowledge I shouldn't have worried like I did. It does neither of us any good. She asked if I thought she would hate me and I simply said "No." I was only worried it may have been taken badly. I'm tired of playing these games with myself and her. I'm ready and if she's not so be it. She said something else that was oddly cryptic. She said, "I can't be responsible for your happiness." Which is something I never asked her to be responsible for so I was a little shocked by that line of reasoning. Still it is what it is. I shall be defeated. I'll throw in my towel and let life take me where it wants. I have resigned myself to be me and love the things I am doing in the here and now. I'll push hope to the wayside because hope results in nervousness and worrying. No need to hope if I have failed. I gave her my plea and if it's not something she can abide by I'll move on. So that's where I am now world. See you in the marrow.

I danced with her and fire dancers

When you have a weekend like this one it's hard to find fault in your relationship or lack there of relationship. We hit up the Renn Fest in KC and even though she got there late thanks to detours and road construction. It was amazing to get to be dressed in full pirate garb with Laura. Sarah had made me a pretty legit Pirate Outfit and I ended up even getting a real eye patch not just one of those funny looking ones that are plastic. Laura and I caught at least 3 Jolly Rogers shows. (side note Sully and I booked them for Auntie Mae's on the 10th.) We laughed and screamed along in proper pirate fashion during the shows. Jeered Robin hood as little John kicked his ass and danced along side flame weavers. It was an amazing day from there we came back to Manhattan and immediately into Aggifest. Caught a few bands but we were pretty bushed came back to my place and just cuddled up and fell asleep. We slept in till almost 11 the next day and went out for Breakfast/Lunch. Chilled out some more and then I sent her on her way. So I have a few more answers from Laura. It seems like a mine field Just trying to tip toe through her mental process to find out where I fit in her life. What things are keeping us from being together at this point and what I can do to change that. Seems her X Husband is leering back into the picture and damn it all if that isn't hard to counter act. I sent her a well written note on my thoughts. With any luck it won't be perceived as overwhelming. Still I don't even know anymore. When we are together nothing's wrong we are happy and just having fun. Even lately when we are apart the communication is good. I haven't found fault in our relationship yet still it's not where i want it to be. I actually want to take those steps to make us and US to get us rolling on the right track. She told me I represent a healthy meaningful relationship and to that I say why not act on it. She seems to think she's really damaged goods but even if she is. I don't mind I'm not here to fix her but I'll be there to help her find the answers. Time to see from here things get interesting.

I'm Tired

I'm tired. Tired of working these 45 hr weeks. Tired of constantly creating in some form. I love it it's not a bad thing but it's draining. Most of all chasing the ghost of a relationship I've been after. It's been almost a year and in that year we have had so many almosts and come so close it can be very defeating. It seems like anything I do or don't do falls to the way side. I can't seem to shake what ever road blocks have been set between Laura and I. I realize distance is an issue. She does live 2 hours away but in that she is given her space. She knows she has all the space in the world and so it's not that that hinders me. I can be there for her if she needs me or when she needs me. 2 hours isn't a hard drive. Most of my friend in LA have a 2 hour drive to see their significant others and they live in the same town. That's ridiculous. Plus I know she has maintained long distance relationships in the past and I wouldn't be one to make her do all the work. I used to be very romantic and giving. Still that seemed to lead me to trouble as she thought it was overwhelming. So I have cut that to bare bones as of late. It's still there but I won't be forcing it on her. I am still me and that's what she wanted the extra stuff seemed to just be too much. So no more of that. Calling her too often landed in that category as well. She's not a big phone, IM or text talker. Mostly, it just bugs her. Previously, she said it feels like a serious relationship when you talk everyday and she just wasn't looking for serious. I know I was. So this second time around I have restricted my calling, texting and messages. She has told me she really likes this whole being single and getting to know herself thing. Still I hate being held at bay because what I want isn't ready for me yet. To say she wants us is I think a safe assumption. When we are together everything is there. We are happy and sparks do seem to fly. I realize she finds it hard to even trust herself to be with me because of what I represent. Hope. I represent forever and that's something she wants but she's not ready for yet. So what do I do? Do I stay back and keep my fingers crossed hoping someday soon she'll see us as an US or do I just move on and be content to be her friend? Well that's what I had aimed for previously. When I went down there my full intention was to just be that friend. Still she gave me decent reason to believe she wanted more. Still she drew away. A fear maybe that what if we could work out. A fear that if we didn't would we be lost from each other again. I still believe a lot of these fears have been alleviated by our reunion. If we were going to be broken apart we wouldn't be talking and texting and seeing each other. I suppose that says something. Still we will see. I am so tired of this chase and after Octobers Harry Potter Party if I don't know if we are moving forward I believe I'll be moving on. It's the only sane choice I can make and she'll have to let me go or chase after me. It's really on her now. I've walled up my heart when it comes to this girl and for good reason. Guess time will tell but time's something that seems to be making me weaker.

-Art - Firefly of course

Time to be herself

So we had the talk. I didn't dread this talk I in fact knew exactly where she was. I just wanted to clarify to her where i was in the whole situation as well. See I'm a really honest person. So much so in fact that these last few weeks of not telling her how i feel and just being quite and giving her more space. Well it seemed like lying. I know it wasn't lying but it just seemed like I wasn't being fully honest. So I told myself that if i didn't get to see her this week I'd ask her about us. She told me that right now she's really just doing the being herself thing. Just enjoying life as a single girl no relationship string or anything hanging in the back of her mind. Just learning to love herself. I explained that's exactly where i thought she was and with the absence of 10 suitors. I didn't feel like I had to pressure her for a "yes" or a "no." I haven't got any vested interests in any new girls right now. I mean there will always be passing fancies but in general I am not chasing anyone so waiting for her isn't awful. So we are there now a level playing field starting from something and yet not starting yet at all. I know there are guys there that want her and I know there is a guy here that desires her too. This guys willing to wait so as not to screw up timing again. She is presently calling me more, texting me, and in line to come see me before I even made it back to see her. Which all falls under the rules my girls gave for this situation lol. They wanted to keep my heart in tact.

So do I really and I intend to make sure I don't fall into that darkness again. I am very guarded and she knows it. We are close her and I and I mean to keep it that way. If a relationship blossoms from these seeds of trust and loyalty then so be it. If not we are only getting stronger. I do want to be loved. I know she does love me. I also know she desires me. She's admitted both of these things. It's just a matter of taking the right steps forward and letting her know I can be someone who won't screw up or fall back. I can be stable and secure. So what's on the horizon for us. Well we have next weekend where there will be lots of bands, dinner, and the ren fair, a few weekends after that a harry potter themed party and all along these times we are going to be learning Italian together. I'm actually really excited about that. Maybe Satine and I will have some sweet skype conversations in Italian.

Other than that bringing my heart up behind walls. Lets see if she buys a mental hammer to come after it ;)

(todays art was a girl I saw in the airport in SF)

No ready for me yet?

Is it right to complain about nothing going wrong? Well it may not be but but nothing is moving forward either. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and I may drop hints here and there that aren't returned in turn but are artfully passed over. Sidestepped in someway. I personally think she's ok with just being single for a bit, but while she's doing that I'm still stuck on the line. Because I am not missing a second chance by seeking out a new love and then when she is ready I'll be taken and we will start this waiting dance all over again. So tonight I'll find out if I can go see her on Friday. I'll see if she'll accept my advance to advance slowly. We talk more often on the phone and text and I know something is there. I know something is growing its just putting that to the test. i don't see myself up against 7 suitors so I'm ok with waiting a bit. I'm ok for taking the time to find her heart and climb the walls she's put up. I'm in for the long road but I'd like to know that road leads to her heart. That I'm not walking forward for nothing. She says she can't promise me anything yet but then says things like I don't know if I'm ready for you yet. Yet implies she wants to be ready for me in the future. To see us together then. I really think she's tired of all the chases and douchbags that aren't going to give her anything more than a sexual fix. Lord knows I'm ready for something real in my life something tangible. Something i can hang on to, someone to kiss and feel them kiss me back. To hold and know that we are together. I guess we will see this week. It's fair to ask because after the last time I don't think I deserve to be left on the line. I am playing by her rules and that's the only way to win her heart.

No Promises

So you would think I would have learned. You would have thought after the last fall I would have given up. I have not. I just can't seem to pull myself away from the possibility of a future with Laura. A name that has become synonymous with slaps. Seriously, for a good 2 months I got slapped every time I brought her up around my friends. Oh and slapped hard. Still I pressed on. I went back to her and spent 3 wonderful days with her helping her pack up her house and get ready for a pretty big move. The first night we took things to her new place. Went out for some food at the bar we never went to because her now X BF worked at and I evaluated just where I stood with her. I really didn't know and as the night pressed on I felt more and more like I had landed back in the friend zone. Which I had prepped myself for. Honestly, I'm still prepped for that out come. Still leaving the bar She grasped my hand. That night we fell into each others arms and she told me she couldn't promise me anything. I wasn't going to ask her to. I just wanted another chance to walk with her. To be the first guy to not let her down. The next day I took her out for lunch and we ended up back at that bar. This time my friend Katy one of the girls that always slapped me got to spend some time with her. She's still worried for my heart. I'm still worried for my heart. Another night another close close night. We kissed, we held each other. We just were. I had to take off early from helping her move. We said our goodbyes and she restated she couldn't promise me anything. I don't know where to go from here. I guess I'll just be. I'll just be me for her. I have nothing left to overwhelm her with. I am just me and if that's something she can want then so be it. If it's not then I'll have my answer and I'll move on. I'll set out to find romance in someone else. Someone that will love me for me and all my crazy. I know we get each other, I know she loves me... I just have to see if that love can blossom into something new.

End of that chapter

To say the last 3 months were Hell would be a lie. They weren't that bad I dealt with some heart ache but over all the last few months have been really great. Man i got to go to LA and hang with some super cool peoples. I've still been kicking it all healthfully and really life just isn't letting me get down. Love on the other hand that's a horse of a different color. I did get to see Laura again and much to my fearful assumption of a horrible distance forming. It was amazing. Seriously the hug that happened the moment we meet melted all fears away. It was as if nothing had happened and we were still just as close. I just leaned in and told her how much I had missed her. She replied in kind. After that the night was a foot. We took off to a bar called the Anchor for some eats. Each of us desiring some decent food. This place had it for sure I got a sandwich called, "Hell hath no fury..." I tell you what readers i felt that one later. So spicy even got some Jalopeno juice in my eye. As we sat there catching up on the 3 months we had been absent each others lives it was nothing but smiles and laughter. I shit you not I mean I nearly had a heart attack just for fear of this reunion. Only moments later we were back. From there we walked on to Mort's. Her local Haunt for Mondays they have live music and half priced Martini's. I remember discussing something Kate and I had talked about how we are all influenced more by certain elements and for me it was water. She asked what i thought hers was. I said, "Well you are stubborn and unyielding. I'll go with rock." She looked to me and said, "If you are water and I'm rock I suppose that means you'll wear me down." Adding to it her heart melting smile. I had no response just smiled back at her. We took off to go to another bar that was less crowded. There we got a few Guinness beers and sat down for what turned out to be question and answer period for the night. Now Laura is a girl that has a lot of walls up. So many in fact I found out she really didn't want to start a serious relationship with someone until she was able to take some of those walls down. Hence the Shawn thing. In fact I noticed every time she talked about Shawn her whole demeanor dropped. Personally, and i could be wrong it just seemed like it wasn't a happy thing to talk about. With him there are no expectations or even assumptions. I won't go into it a whole lot just because that's her story to tell. For my part I understood where she was coming from logically. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't let me walk with her and help her break down some walls. I did make the mistake of running ahead of her before she was ready to be as serious as I wanted to be. That was a failing on my part. One I wish I could have rectified. A lesson learned if nothing else. If we find ourselves together in the future I will be walking with her and we will take the steps we need to together and my head won't be in the clouds. The night drew on and I basically got all the answers that had been lost to me when I was to close to see the whole picture. She took me back to my hotel and when I asked how far away from my hotel her house was. She proposed letting me stay there with her. I mean it just wouldn't be a trip to Wichita if I wasn't falling asleep in her arms. So back to her house we went. She made brownies and then it was time to turn in. She said she no longer had a guest bed and I had to sleep with her. So long as I was good. I laughed and said, "When am I not good?" We settled in and I laid down preparing to be good. Much to my surprise she rolled into me and did a super cuddle move. The one where you head is in the nape of the others neck. your arms are wrapped around and your legs are intertwined. Not a friends way of cuddling. I didn't pull away I merely held her close. The night went on like that and we woke way to early from a long night up. We managed about 20 min more of cuddling then I was back to my hotel. I leaned in not knowing if I would see her that night and told her I never intended to say goodbye. The last time I said goodbye I truly meant it.

After all the stuff for the commercial was done it was about the same time she got off of work so I headed over to her place and hung out with a mutual friend of ours Ryan. We chilled at the house for a bit and went out for food. Ryan shot off to Soggy bottoms, that's their haunt on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That is also where Shawn works. Knowing this made me slightly at ease having spent the night before in his GF's arms. That bar was closed much to their surpise so we went to another called Quiencys. She got a call mid dinner from Shawn about the bar being closed and no one telling him. He wasn't happy about that and I assume less happy to find out Laura was hanging out with me. She said she would meet up with him in about 30 after we finished our food. Over the course of the meal she got several more texts and then I was taking her home. I asked if I needed to rush so she could meet up with him. She said, "No! he had already gone home." That's weird I couldn't fathom not waiting 30 min to see your girl. So we opted to go do some Karaoke. She sang and I sang. She sang Adele the artist i told her had torn me to pieces after our break. I was ok with it. More so than I had assumed I'd be. Went back to her place after and cuddled up. Watched some TV and I gave her a body massage to work on some places she hadn't had worked on sense I had been there last. Talked more in depth about the issues between us and i broke down some of my own walls for her. I also remarked how i had hoped I hadn't made Shawn Jealous because a jealous BF tends to try harder. Once again with a look of defeat she said he wouldn't try at all he would just leave. I kept wondering why she was fighting so hard something that seemed like it was failing but I held my tongue. It was not my place anymore to ask such questions. i was no longer a friend and no longer a lover. i was something new something different. lord knows what I am now. I told her how I had hope in us again just not for right now. I understood that she needed this time to find herself again. As the massage drew to a close. I kissed her head and told her that tonight ends the chapter of what had been between us. Tomorrow a new chapter starts. One where we are what ever new thing it is we are becoming. If it becomes lovers or stays friends. Either way what's been done in the past is past. I truly wished i could have just fallen asleep with her there that night but I had to work at 8 in the morning so around 1 I took off from her house. She watched me drive away until our eyes could no longer see each other.

She had told me of her dreams and aspirations on this trip and I look to make those come true for her. She invited me to her families Christmas gathering. I honestly don't know what kind of invitation that was a friendly one of one laced with a relationship she hopes will bloom. All I know is that from here on out. It's her turn to chase me. She can come to me, she can call me, I will be catchable. I will not fall back into a chase for her unless she is ready. I asked her if she was ready to not let pride or fear stop her from coming for me. So that's where I am at now my friends. My closest peer groups are super worried for me. They think I'll fall back into that hook. I don't think I will though. My heart is different now. It's changed. The love I have for her is still there but its a love based on condition. I'm also very aware of proper timing now. I won't screw it up if I'm given a second chance. I hope she will see the same. There is something there and it's more than obvious to both of us. It's just about finding the right time to act now.

Ann Spade Loves ME!!!

Back into the Belly of the Beast

So i am going back to Wichita, not my choice. I am actually having to do this because I won a competition to create some awesome food. I'm getting 500 bucks, I'll be in their ad campain, on every menu and in some commercial I think. All together pretty rad... So I'm taking this chance to see Laura again and get back my books and hard drive. Seeing her again I have no doubt will be hard. I don't know how hard yet because I'm in a really good place right now. I don't want to fall back to where I was a few months ago. I don't want to regress. Do I think I will? Not really I kind of closed off my heart hard core. So while that hasn't been beneficial for starting new relationships it will at least save my soul from the past one. What will we talk about? What will I say? Will I be spiteful or kind? My bet is on being kind and caring. It seems to be my greatest downfall. Most of my core group says I should stray from her altogether. That I had given so much of myself to her with so little in return. One of those things where you are standing to close to the picture to see the whole thing. I put so much of myself into that whole situation working out and when it didn't I fell apart. Lord knows I can't even quantify how badly I fell apart and for what reason. It was only 4 months of maybes and what ifs. The one thing I can truly stand by is that I tried. I gave it my best shot and I was true to myself and my emotions. I chased and failed but had I not chased at all I would have never known. Some of my friends said she was horribly selfish to drag me along like that. I believed it to but I could have saved myself and given up. I could have bowed out early and not fought so hard. Still this is a new me. I'm taking chances because I finally have my confidence. If it leads me to heart ache so be it. If it leads me to the girl of my dreams even better. I'm not wasting any more of my life second guessing and i will pursue my dreams and hearts desires with a flame. She will not slow me down nor will she lead me back to that darkness. My life is picking up and I am going full speed. Between getting way healthier and finding my voice and creativity I can not fathom hitting any set backs. Nor will i let myself. So I may be wary, I may be nervous. I am still unsure but for my part I have moved on. The embers that burn for Laura have faded back to embers and those coals can only be poked back to life by her seeking me. Still my friends of the net wish me luck. It will be an interesting test on my part.

I was on the news

IF - perennial

LA! LA! Can I have it like that.

So my vacation started with a fun amount of crazy. I had to finish the image above before I left because they needed it for today and I was going to be gone. I managed to finish it around 3 in the morning and then pack for LA which I should have done way earlier. Still I love how this picture turned out. So I woke up around 9 and took off for Lawrence where I had a lunch date with the very lovely Alex Browne. Check facebook for pictures of that when I get back to Kansas. Got out of there late because I stayed to check out her amazing art and so I didn't get to spend alot of time with my sister in law in KC. Bounced over to the Airport and ended up sitting next to a couple con kids heading out to Chicago they liked the drawing I was doing for Crystal's birthday. Then I was off into the friendly sky's above. I managed to read all of Punisher; Frankencastle arc. Then a decent amount of my Fritz Leiber book before I touched down in LA and Crystal was right there when I got there. This trip so far is perfection. We got some food went back to her place caught up and had some wine. Very relaxing night.

The next day I woke up super early because LA is 2 hrs behind KS time so I was up and about like a gun shot. Saw Crystal off to her job and took a shower. After that I took off on a walk into Beverly Hills. The day was so beautiful I was just soaking up the sun. Got lunch at Nonna's Empanada's and hit the mall to find a nice shirt for dinner tonight. Everything was plaid. I was freaked by all the farmer fashion and when I finally found a shirt i liked it was 420 bucks. GOD DAMN!!!! I left empty handed and grabber some of that fruit cart fruit and had an awesome brunch if you will on my walk home. Started writing up an article for Talk Nerdy to Me Lover. Decided to take a smoke break and ran into Jason Bateman. So random! I love life so much right now. That's about it so far look forward to more details coming soon.

IF: Midsummer Night (nightmare)

New Chapter - length to be determined

It's a funny thing really. Just a few months ago I was ripping myself apart to find out why the girl I liked didn't like me. Literally, tearing at my soul. So its somewhat shocking that so shortly after that I have found myself involved with someone new. She's very intelligent so conversation wise we always have things to talk about. Still she's a different kind of nerd than me. Certainly a lot of opposites to work with here. I don't know if we'll pan out. Honestly, I don't know if this is all just another rebound thing for each of us. Seeing as we both just got out of relationships but for now it's good to be wanted. It's good to be desired. I fear I have closed myself off emotionally however after the soul wrench I did in the previous relationship. I Have locked my heart away for now and I'm giving it time to heal. It needs that. So for now I won't be opening it up. For fear that getting it involved in anything new when the wounds from the last are still so fresh will only aggravate the wound.

If she's at the same place it's probably for the best. We have talked about it in passing how neither of us know if this is going somewhere. Personally, I think we should just enjoy each others company and if things start to get weird, dramatic, or awkward part ways and keep the friendship. We share a lot of things in common as well. Still I think some of our core beliefs will conflict in big ways as the desire phase passes into the true knowledge phase. Guess we'll see. Still for now its a grand new adventure and I think it shall play a role in crafting who we are. At least whom I am and will be. Every new direction, every new decision leads us right to where we will end up. Can't wait to see the end of my story because getting there has been marvelous.

In more awesome news my brother Stephen is finally married. I say finally like it's been something coming for years and in a way it has. Still that makes two younger brothers of mine married before me. That kind of eats at you. I know it's not a race but damn it all how is it that I suck so bad at finding a real love. Oh well. I'll carry on in my crazy life. You see that's why i can't find it. The girl I'm looking for will no doubt have to deal with her own fair share of crazy. Seriously, I'm tempered in pure out there antics. Maybe I like the reaction, maybe I like to push people just far enough to test their resolve. Maybe I'm just me and I decided a long time ago that I want the person who falls for me to fall for me and not a mask I wear trying to be something they want me to be. Still I don't mind making minor concessions. Anyway, peace! I gotta sleep. 9 - 5 tomorrow. Gotta pour myself a cup of ambition and hope and pray it's not 100 degrees there again.

Swept

End of Hope

Ok, maybe not the full on end of hope. I still had to cut ties for now. I really have no idea, now especially, if we'll run back into each other romantically. Seems unlikely, but if we do it will be on her part so... the heart wants what the heart wants and hers didn't want me right now. I really think she gave it a good try and that she hoped it would. Still what can ya do. So moving on to the next chapter. That last one kinda tore me apart and I still get aftershocks of pain here and there. It's so surreal sometimes I see her face and house in my mind. I dream walk through them as if I can still grasp at them. So many songs, movies, youtube clips, and just plain moments in life remind me of her. We have so much in common. This has been one of my shortest relationships in my life but I invested so much of myself in it that it may have become the most damning. She will always have embers burning in my soul for her. She knows it too. Also kinda ruined the movie Tangled for me. I really really loved that movie. Now I can barely make it through the paper lantern scene. Le sigh. Ok! so that's all well and good there moving on and past that. Like I said she can come for me if she likes. I'm done investing in something that will most likely never pan out. Done hoping for something that seems to always slip through my grasp.

Moving on in random life updates. I've sense January been on a major get healthy kick. I've been controlling my calories. Working out at least 5 times a week, and most recently I have quit smoking again. At least I am trying to. I hate the first few weeks of the end of smoking. It's kind of awful and not because of the cravings. That I can deal with it's the fact that you are getting your taste buds back so everything thing tastes and smells new and usually really weird. Also you cough soooo much it's ridiculous. You are hacking out all that crap in your throat and lungs that had been built up there for however long you smoked. Anyway, in a few more weeks I'm sure I'll feel super healthy. I already miss the appetite supression and stimulant in it but what can ya do. No better time to quit smoking than when you are actively exercising. That way you aren't gaining the weight all smokers fear you will gain after giving up the nicotine crutch. Quitting smoking doesn't lend it's self to weight gain it's trading smoking for snacking something that always seems to happen. I was using a Blu Cig - An electronic Cigarette... but I washed it and I'm pretty sure it's not working anymore. So I guess it's cold turkey for me. Woot! I have gained the evil 5 - 10lbs back, but I have been pushing myself way harder at the gym to get fit so that ultimately that won't get me down. I've worked to hard not to push through. I was also taking these pills that boost your matabolism. My friend said it's way better to just work it off instead of using chemical aids. When you use the stimulants, if you stop using them the lbs come back pretty fast.

So there ya have it a little run down in my life of all the craziness that's happening. Look forward to new antic with what ever new girl decided to enthrall me ;)

Bump in the road

So lets call this a bump in the road. Honestly, It may be a dead end when it's all said an done but for now there is still that glimmer of hope in my heart. The chasing of the girl I love wasn't going so well. I mean we were good just she kept pulling back and this confounded me. Last Wednesday I found out why. Me and the other guy she was "casually" dating weren't both after her. I was after her and she was after him. You can never catch someone who is chasing someone else. So I sent her a message saying such. Basically that there was nothing more I could do and I don't know what she wants me to do. She responded via email and let me know that it's a screwed up situation and that she knew all she had to do was turn around and I'd be there waiting for her to just fit. That i deserved to be her first choice and she feels like she's banging her head against a wall knowing I'm here for her. She wished she could just turn her heart towards me but it's scared of the type of relationship i want to pursue. I can't fault her for her logic. I get it i really do. So I told her I would give her an all stop. No calling, no texting, no emails. Just let her have the time to see if this other guy is what she wants and let her pursue him without me throwing it all off balance. Still I can't wait... I mean I could. I just know she doesn't want me to even though she does. She's everything I want from a girl and we go together so well it's ridiculous. Still this whole thing was so awful for my mind. Being in love with someone and never knowing if it's reciprocated. Worse still knowing they see us as an "US" and can't act on it. So backing all the way back for a bit. I'll let her miss me, let her miss my romance maybe let her see just what I can be. Maybe I'll pursue another girl, maybe I'll move on with my life knowing the whole time she's only 2 hours away from me. in a world full of people knowing a girl you could be soul mates with is so near gets to you. Sense last Wednesday I have many lows. I kept hoping she would buckle and call or message me or anything. We still responded on facebook wall posts but i'm not counting that. I just wanted to know I meant more to her than a few facebook responses. I told her straight up if she wanted me again it would be on her to instigate it. I can't put my heart through this again if hers isn't ready to be with me. On Thursday she sent me a music video via Facebook message.

It's a bit of a warning about who she sees herself as. Possibly, what I would be getting myself into. So a week of basically silence she sends me that. Once again confused as to what to do or even how to take it. She talked about the next time I was up how she's sing me another of this girls songs for karaoke. Who knows I'm probably reading way to much into these things. I'm going to maintain my distance. I'll stay out of reach unless she wants to reach me. The guy she's after may not even want her and really it does suck. I mean maybe it's what she needs to confirm she can catch the guy that's out of grasp. Still in doing so she has put me out of grasp. Something that could have been easy has been turned wonderfully difficult. The ball is in her court now and I'll see where things go. Really, as far as romantic interests I don't have any grand things in line. Just one girl from Arkansas who has a boyfriend and lets be honest is too young for me anyway. She's still amazing but I doubt anything will come from that. Still it's not even something i thought would be an issue as I was fully committed to Laura. Time will tell and I know time or fate will put me back together with Laura later it always does. Just don't want it to be in the fall of our lives because we were too stubborn to act in the presence. I truly hope Pride won't be our greatest undoing. Well that's all for now I hope everything turns out ok. It hurts not to be able to talk to someone you love.

So I saw this girl...

More from the front lines

So been a bit sense last I typed here, I suppose you my reader are wondering what's new. Well it's been a lot of the same sense the last time I wrote. Still in Limbo with Laura although I feel more grounded than before. She took me on a tour of her mind and I understand her better now. I'm a better person for that as well i think. She's gotten inside my head in a big way and so writing lets her out a bit. She's still the girl i hope and pray I end up with. She's still the white buffalo. So in that whole competition for her heart thing which turned out not to be a competition at all just her letting her heart guide her. I can't fault her for that. Well it's down to two and i'm part of that weird love triangle.

So still a mind bender but at least it's not a massive mind bender. I know absolutely nothing about this other guy. I mean i talked to him a bit at her party once but I didn't know he was a suitor. As it happened much to me being unaware there were several suitors there that night. Oh well. Hind sights 20/20 and all that shit right. Well, she's trekking up here to Manhattan to meet my folks. Kinda nerve racking in that i never know what my mom will say to the girls I bring before her. Still they met once a long time ago and they are both KU fans' Kindred spirits. So I hope it all goes well. Still working out the finer details of her getting up here but it will happen and I'm very excited for this weekend. More to come when next I remember to type.

If home is where the heart is my home is to far away.

So recently, Jen has been writing this tell all on TNTML and its very emotionally draining for her and damn near for the readers. Still its opening her heart and I can not fault her for that. Recently, I too have opened my heart to the girl I am in love with. There I said it out loud. I am in love with her. I loved her once a long time ago and now I do again. It possibly could have carried over I don't know. Still love is what is going on. I know you aren't allowed to say that but really thats how we feel. Not saying it is just prolonging the hearts uncomfort. I wrote about that here --> LINK I cannot say if she feels the same. I know I see her desire for me in her eyes. In the way we kiss and hold each other. I have found home with her and it's not something I want to give up. So when I am in a game to win her heart from others who have similar aspersions, I will say this that it is very taxing. When we are together, it's all is as it should be. Everything clicks and she gets me in every sense of the word. When we are apart doubt creeps on me like a ghost. Living a few steps behind me everywhere I go.

I can't have a thought without it returning to her. I am not a jealous man and so this whole trying to decide which guy to go with isn't bugging me so much as the not knowing if it will be me. I have been disarmed and I stand before her powerless to a choice. My heart is hers and she knows she owns it. I haven't told her I LOVE her to her face but in the way I speak to her; she knows. It's a part of me I can't hide and it shines forth from my smile and my eyes. The part that gets me is I really do see her passion for me as well. In subtle things. A look, a smile, and in all the ways we interact. It all feels like we were puzzle pieces that got stuck to other pieces we didn't match and now have found each other. This whole life of ours has catapulted each of us back into each others lives over and over. It's like the universe is screaming, "Take a hint!"

So I write. As Jen put it writing is a greater therapy than any couch with some old person nodding at you. I have talked to my closest friends. Mostly, they all say the same thing. That if she likes me should should be with me. Having been with her though I also understand where she is coming from. Having options that are good and could all result in something amazing. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy to. I believe we could be happy together. I just have to wait and see if her heart sees it the same way I do. We have literally been in and out of each others lives for almost a decade. Each time narrowly avoiding the other. I'll admit I landed in the friend role. So me liking her kind of came out of left field. So there will need to be a bit of time to adjust to me being more than a casual friend and becoming a lover. She fears if her heart won't let her choose me then it could ruin our now rebounded friendship. Something she really doesn't want to happen. Still we have taken things a little further than that and there isn't any turning back now. All I have are my words as I have told her and those words will have to hold me over till I see her again.

White Buffalo = Laura

Ok, so my life has in one week nearly flipped upside down and I won't lie I can't imagine all the things I'm feeling. After one of the most amazing weekends I could have ever hoped to have with the girl of my dreams. That would be Laura. She is the white buffalo. The girl I have been chasing sense the fist time I met her and didn't have the stones to tell her I liked her because I was a fool. After this weekend I know her desire is reciprocated. That's wonderful you say? Sure except nothing in my life is that easy. I have been pitted against two other suitors to my knowledge unknown. The one I did know about went off the deep end so no worries there. Still nothing in my romantic ventures is easy. When I asked Cherry out she told me to wait she had to think about it. Sure the answer was yes, but the waiting will drive you mad. Simone made me wait like a month before she said yes. So why would it be any different with Laura. Apparently, I'm something to ponder. Still this time she knows. This time I wasn't going to be a casual observer and hope things went my way. I'm a different person now. I know what I want in life and what I will risk to get those things. Most importantly i know I want to be with her.

Generally, I don't mind the waiting game. In fact I'm pretty good at the long game. When I dated Amber we were basically in a long game the whole time. Still I did a very dumb thing this time. I threw my entire heart into my desire to be with this girl after this weekend. When she left I went into a tailspin of depression. Kinda what happens when so many things go very good and suddenly stop because she isn't there any more. I was visibly shaken at work and I was constantly playing through might be's in my head. In short I was making myself crazy. So I rushed home and started writing. I figured it would be better to put the things in my head down on paper so at least they were out of my head. What I wrote was one of the most honest appraisals of how I was feeling and how I felt about my own life and where i wanted it to go that I have ever penned. So when she called me on Wednesday in an act of sheer brazen foolishness I brought up this 3 page manifesto. She said she's like to hear it. I breathed deep and prepared myself for total failure. How I had the balls to read this to her and not ask her out in the past is beyond me.

After this very long, very open, very reveling segment of my life there was a long pause on the phone. The kind of pause that turns a man white with fear. I broke the silence with a pretty trembly, "um..?" She stopped me before my desire to spill random word vomit took over because I have a terrible fear of silence. She said, " Sorry just trying to process all that." I spun immediately into apology mode and felt ashamed I had even wrote it. She stopped me again before I made yet another foolish mistake. She told me it was fine and not a bad thing at all. That it just needs to be answered in turn very honestly. We talked for a while longer, a good sign in my eyes and I let her go begrudgingly to host my event that night. The next few days I was really freaked out. Having no idea how this would all come back to haunt me. I have never been that honest and open with a girl. This coming from a guy that doesn't lie and is generally very honest and open. I went above and beyond my limits. The sky was left far behind in my reach for hope.

There's that word again, "hope." For the last few months I had nursed an infant named hope and it was growing. In one week It shot up like some hydroponic plant. Forcing me to go through all it's life stages at once. The terrible twos of trepidation. The wonderful years where we get along and love each other. the bitter high school years where hope hates me and wants nothing to do with me. The college years where It's coming back around to liking me but I think it's only cause it wants something. Finally, full on grown up powerful hope. My heart is in this all the way now. There is no turning back. She says, "processing. will think on it and follow up with an honest response. open communication, right? you have opened the flood gates, so i hope you aren't disappointed with what comes out. don't be scared. not bad things." That message in it's self is terrifying. How can I be disappointed if the end result is I get to be with her. Better still is she knows I'm terrified. This girl can read me like a book.

I had only read my master soul opening diatribe to two people before reading it to Laura to get their opinions on it. Each of them said I had to send it to her. Afterwards, I let a few other very close friend leaf through it's contents and all they had to say was Wow! When this is all said and done and hopefully in my favor. I'll ask her if I can post it here or somewhere. See how the world feels about it as well. For now I wait, I hope beyond hope. I measure my time in seconds that feel like hours. My brain is a whirl of madness coalescing in one steady stream of consciousness. All I have to filter it is my mouth. So lets see how much trouble that gets me in.

great white buffalo

So I'll be trying to write a little more here. You know cause so many people read this lol. I must admit my columns on TNTML have apparently gotten a lot of views. Don't know how many people like or dislike them no one's really commenting. Soon enough I'll keep writing until I have a faithful following. Really I just write what i know and about things I feel passionate or comical about. What's that you ask? No I didn't draw that image above here. I did color it. One of the few Satine released on her site. Bit of a discrepancy this will not be the version you see in the book. This one has the pupils. Very Very excited to be put in print with her later this year. Almost as excited as I was to have my name in Danny's LMS killbook. Dear god that was so beautiful.

Still that's not why I've taken the time to write today. The search for the Great White Buffalo may actually be turning out right. I was fearful when a cowboy interceded and try to coral this beautiful Bison, still I have faith that this time the waiting game won't be so long. Great White Buffalo = Girl that got away. Yeah, it's a long shot and I've been warned by more than one person not to go after girls who have been divorced. Still she's still amazing and I still like her. My feelings for her aren't going to change just because she was married. Talked to her for a few hours last night just telling stories. Was a wonderful night too. Great Saturday too I mean I didn't go out and I stayed in and talked to the girl I like. Go figure. So who knows how all this well go I've got my hopes up which is probably a mistake but hey a man's gotta hold onto his dreams.

Jordan

wow been a while

Holy crap has my life been crazy lately. Seriously, I have had major waves pushing me all over and it's amazing. I can see my destiny unravel before me. The girl of my dreams is recently single. Who knows what will come of that but you never know especially the way life is working right now. Another girl who isn't single but is cool as all kudos has sprung up in my life. The wonderful Ashleigh Mayes. She writers for a blog called Kypto Dies. We have become writing soul mates at the other website we both write for Talk nerdy to me lover. Seriously, we just click so well. I will admit to having a crush on her. Now as you may remember I had things happening with the lovely Satine Phoenix who has a blog you can visit if you so choose called Sex, Food, and Comics. Well we finally paired up and while it was one month of very hard works you'll get to see our collaboration in the new year. Brought out by Rao Entertainment. That's just the tip of the Ice Burg turns out the TNTML website is getting turned into a TV series based around Jen's crazy life. Lord know I may even see an actor depicting me O.o how crazy would that be lol. Doubt that would happen but that's just how crazy this tale spinning life has been lately. I'll be posting more here later. For now this was my update.