I'm Tired

I'm tired. Tired of working these 45 hr weeks. Tired of constantly creating in some form. I love it it's not a bad thing but it's draining. Most of all chasing the ghost of a relationship I've been after. It's been almost a year and in that year we have had so many almosts and come so close it can be very defeating. It seems like anything I do or don't do falls to the way side. I can't seem to shake what ever road blocks have been set between Laura and I. I realize distance is an issue. She does live 2 hours away but in that she is given her space. She knows she has all the space in the world and so it's not that that hinders me. I can be there for her if she needs me or when she needs me. 2 hours isn't a hard drive. Most of my friend in LA have a 2 hour drive to see their significant others and they live in the same town. That's ridiculous. Plus I know she has maintained long distance relationships in the past and I wouldn't be one to make her do all the work. I used to be very romantic and giving. Still that seemed to lead me to trouble as she thought it was overwhelming. So I have cut that to bare bones as of late. It's still there but I won't be forcing it on her. I am still me and that's what she wanted the extra stuff seemed to just be too much. So no more of that. Calling her too often landed in that category as well. She's not a big phone, IM or text talker. Mostly, it just bugs her. Previously, she said it feels like a serious relationship when you talk everyday and she just wasn't looking for serious. I know I was. So this second time around I have restricted my calling, texting and messages. She has told me she really likes this whole being single and getting to know herself thing. Still I hate being held at bay because what I want isn't ready for me yet. To say she wants us is I think a safe assumption. When we are together everything is there. We are happy and sparks do seem to fly. I realize she finds it hard to even trust herself to be with me because of what I represent. Hope. I represent forever and that's something she wants but she's not ready for yet. So what do I do? Do I stay back and keep my fingers crossed hoping someday soon she'll see us as an US or do I just move on and be content to be her friend? Well that's what I had aimed for previously. When I went down there my full intention was to just be that friend. Still she gave me decent reason to believe she wanted more. Still she drew away. A fear maybe that what if we could work out. A fear that if we didn't would we be lost from each other again. I still believe a lot of these fears have been alleviated by our reunion. If we were going to be broken apart we wouldn't be talking and texting and seeing each other. I suppose that says something. Still we will see. I am so tired of this chase and after Octobers Harry Potter Party if I don't know if we are moving forward I believe I'll be moving on. It's the only sane choice I can make and she'll have to let me go or chase after me. It's really on her now. I've walled up my heart when it comes to this girl and for good reason. Guess time will tell but time's something that seems to be making me weaker.

-Art - Firefly of course

Time to be herself

So we had the talk. I didn't dread this talk I in fact knew exactly where she was. I just wanted to clarify to her where i was in the whole situation as well. See I'm a really honest person. So much so in fact that these last few weeks of not telling her how i feel and just being quite and giving her more space. Well it seemed like lying. I know it wasn't lying but it just seemed like I wasn't being fully honest. So I told myself that if i didn't get to see her this week I'd ask her about us. She told me that right now she's really just doing the being herself thing. Just enjoying life as a single girl no relationship string or anything hanging in the back of her mind. Just learning to love herself. I explained that's exactly where i thought she was and with the absence of 10 suitors. I didn't feel like I had to pressure her for a "yes" or a "no." I haven't got any vested interests in any new girls right now. I mean there will always be passing fancies but in general I am not chasing anyone so waiting for her isn't awful. So we are there now a level playing field starting from something and yet not starting yet at all. I know there are guys there that want her and I know there is a guy here that desires her too. This guys willing to wait so as not to screw up timing again. She is presently calling me more, texting me, and in line to come see me before I even made it back to see her. Which all falls under the rules my girls gave for this situation lol. They wanted to keep my heart in tact.

So do I really and I intend to make sure I don't fall into that darkness again. I am very guarded and she knows it. We are close her and I and I mean to keep it that way. If a relationship blossoms from these seeds of trust and loyalty then so be it. If not we are only getting stronger. I do want to be loved. I know she does love me. I also know she desires me. She's admitted both of these things. It's just a matter of taking the right steps forward and letting her know I can be someone who won't screw up or fall back. I can be stable and secure. So what's on the horizon for us. Well we have next weekend where there will be lots of bands, dinner, and the ren fair, a few weekends after that a harry potter themed party and all along these times we are going to be learning Italian together. I'm actually really excited about that. Maybe Satine and I will have some sweet skype conversations in Italian.

Other than that bringing my heart up behind walls. Lets see if she buys a mental hammer to come after it ;)

(todays art was a girl I saw in the airport in SF)

No ready for me yet?

Is it right to complain about nothing going wrong? Well it may not be but but nothing is moving forward either. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and I may drop hints here and there that aren't returned in turn but are artfully passed over. Sidestepped in someway. I personally think she's ok with just being single for a bit, but while she's doing that I'm still stuck on the line. Because I am not missing a second chance by seeking out a new love and then when she is ready I'll be taken and we will start this waiting dance all over again. So tonight I'll find out if I can go see her on Friday. I'll see if she'll accept my advance to advance slowly. We talk more often on the phone and text and I know something is there. I know something is growing its just putting that to the test. i don't see myself up against 7 suitors so I'm ok with waiting a bit. I'm ok for taking the time to find her heart and climb the walls she's put up. I'm in for the long road but I'd like to know that road leads to her heart. That I'm not walking forward for nothing. She says she can't promise me anything yet but then says things like I don't know if I'm ready for you yet. Yet implies she wants to be ready for me in the future. To see us together then. I really think she's tired of all the chases and douchbags that aren't going to give her anything more than a sexual fix. Lord knows I'm ready for something real in my life something tangible. Something i can hang on to, someone to kiss and feel them kiss me back. To hold and know that we are together. I guess we will see this week. It's fair to ask because after the last time I don't think I deserve to be left on the line. I am playing by her rules and that's the only way to win her heart.

No Promises

So you would think I would have learned. You would have thought after the last fall I would have given up. I have not. I just can't seem to pull myself away from the possibility of a future with Laura. A name that has become synonymous with slaps. Seriously, for a good 2 months I got slapped every time I brought her up around my friends. Oh and slapped hard. Still I pressed on. I went back to her and spent 3 wonderful days with her helping her pack up her house and get ready for a pretty big move. The first night we took things to her new place. Went out for some food at the bar we never went to because her now X BF worked at and I evaluated just where I stood with her. I really didn't know and as the night pressed on I felt more and more like I had landed back in the friend zone. Which I had prepped myself for. Honestly, I'm still prepped for that out come. Still leaving the bar She grasped my hand. That night we fell into each others arms and she told me she couldn't promise me anything. I wasn't going to ask her to. I just wanted another chance to walk with her. To be the first guy to not let her down. The next day I took her out for lunch and we ended up back at that bar. This time my friend Katy one of the girls that always slapped me got to spend some time with her. She's still worried for my heart. I'm still worried for my heart. Another night another close close night. We kissed, we held each other. We just were. I had to take off early from helping her move. We said our goodbyes and she restated she couldn't promise me anything. I don't know where to go from here. I guess I'll just be. I'll just be me for her. I have nothing left to overwhelm her with. I am just me and if that's something she can want then so be it. If it's not then I'll have my answer and I'll move on. I'll set out to find romance in someone else. Someone that will love me for me and all my crazy. I know we get each other, I know she loves me... I just have to see if that love can blossom into something new.

End of that chapter

To say the last 3 months were Hell would be a lie. They weren't that bad I dealt with some heart ache but over all the last few months have been really great. Man i got to go to LA and hang with some super cool peoples. I've still been kicking it all healthfully and really life just isn't letting me get down. Love on the other hand that's a horse of a different color. I did get to see Laura again and much to my fearful assumption of a horrible distance forming. It was amazing. Seriously the hug that happened the moment we meet melted all fears away. It was as if nothing had happened and we were still just as close. I just leaned in and told her how much I had missed her. She replied in kind. After that the night was a foot. We took off to a bar called the Anchor for some eats. Each of us desiring some decent food. This place had it for sure I got a sandwich called, "Hell hath no fury..." I tell you what readers i felt that one later. So spicy even got some Jalopeno juice in my eye. As we sat there catching up on the 3 months we had been absent each others lives it was nothing but smiles and laughter. I shit you not I mean I nearly had a heart attack just for fear of this reunion. Only moments later we were back. From there we walked on to Mort's. Her local Haunt for Mondays they have live music and half priced Martini's. I remember discussing something Kate and I had talked about how we are all influenced more by certain elements and for me it was water. She asked what i thought hers was. I said, "Well you are stubborn and unyielding. I'll go with rock." She looked to me and said, "If you are water and I'm rock I suppose that means you'll wear me down." Adding to it her heart melting smile. I had no response just smiled back at her. We took off to go to another bar that was less crowded. There we got a few Guinness beers and sat down for what turned out to be question and answer period for the night. Now Laura is a girl that has a lot of walls up. So many in fact I found out she really didn't want to start a serious relationship with someone until she was able to take some of those walls down. Hence the Shawn thing. In fact I noticed every time she talked about Shawn her whole demeanor dropped. Personally, and i could be wrong it just seemed like it wasn't a happy thing to talk about. With him there are no expectations or even assumptions. I won't go into it a whole lot just because that's her story to tell. For my part I understood where she was coming from logically. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't let me walk with her and help her break down some walls. I did make the mistake of running ahead of her before she was ready to be as serious as I wanted to be. That was a failing on my part. One I wish I could have rectified. A lesson learned if nothing else. If we find ourselves together in the future I will be walking with her and we will take the steps we need to together and my head won't be in the clouds. The night drew on and I basically got all the answers that had been lost to me when I was to close to see the whole picture. She took me back to my hotel and when I asked how far away from my hotel her house was. She proposed letting me stay there with her. I mean it just wouldn't be a trip to Wichita if I wasn't falling asleep in her arms. So back to her house we went. She made brownies and then it was time to turn in. She said she no longer had a guest bed and I had to sleep with her. So long as I was good. I laughed and said, "When am I not good?" We settled in and I laid down preparing to be good. Much to my surprise she rolled into me and did a super cuddle move. The one where you head is in the nape of the others neck. your arms are wrapped around and your legs are intertwined. Not a friends way of cuddling. I didn't pull away I merely held her close. The night went on like that and we woke way to early from a long night up. We managed about 20 min more of cuddling then I was back to my hotel. I leaned in not knowing if I would see her that night and told her I never intended to say goodbye. The last time I said goodbye I truly meant it.

After all the stuff for the commercial was done it was about the same time she got off of work so I headed over to her place and hung out with a mutual friend of ours Ryan. We chilled at the house for a bit and went out for food. Ryan shot off to Soggy bottoms, that's their haunt on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That is also where Shawn works. Knowing this made me slightly at ease having spent the night before in his GF's arms. That bar was closed much to their surpise so we went to another called Quiencys. She got a call mid dinner from Shawn about the bar being closed and no one telling him. He wasn't happy about that and I assume less happy to find out Laura was hanging out with me. She said she would meet up with him in about 30 after we finished our food. Over the course of the meal she got several more texts and then I was taking her home. I asked if I needed to rush so she could meet up with him. She said, "No! he had already gone home." That's weird I couldn't fathom not waiting 30 min to see your girl. So we opted to go do some Karaoke. She sang and I sang. She sang Adele the artist i told her had torn me to pieces after our break. I was ok with it. More so than I had assumed I'd be. Went back to her place after and cuddled up. Watched some TV and I gave her a body massage to work on some places she hadn't had worked on sense I had been there last. Talked more in depth about the issues between us and i broke down some of my own walls for her. I also remarked how i had hoped I hadn't made Shawn Jealous because a jealous BF tends to try harder. Once again with a look of defeat she said he wouldn't try at all he would just leave. I kept wondering why she was fighting so hard something that seemed like it was failing but I held my tongue. It was not my place anymore to ask such questions. i was no longer a friend and no longer a lover. i was something new something different. lord knows what I am now. I told her how I had hope in us again just not for right now. I understood that she needed this time to find herself again. As the massage drew to a close. I kissed her head and told her that tonight ends the chapter of what had been between us. Tomorrow a new chapter starts. One where we are what ever new thing it is we are becoming. If it becomes lovers or stays friends. Either way what's been done in the past is past. I truly wished i could have just fallen asleep with her there that night but I had to work at 8 in the morning so around 1 I took off from her house. She watched me drive away until our eyes could no longer see each other.

She had told me of her dreams and aspirations on this trip and I look to make those come true for her. She invited me to her families Christmas gathering. I honestly don't know what kind of invitation that was a friendly one of one laced with a relationship she hopes will bloom. All I know is that from here on out. It's her turn to chase me. She can come to me, she can call me, I will be catchable. I will not fall back into a chase for her unless she is ready. I asked her if she was ready to not let pride or fear stop her from coming for me. So that's where I am at now my friends. My closest peer groups are super worried for me. They think I'll fall back into that hook. I don't think I will though. My heart is different now. It's changed. The love I have for her is still there but its a love based on condition. I'm also very aware of proper timing now. I won't screw it up if I'm given a second chance. I hope she will see the same. There is something there and it's more than obvious to both of us. It's just about finding the right time to act now.

Ann Spade Loves ME!!!

Back into the Belly of the Beast

So i am going back to Wichita, not my choice. I am actually having to do this because I won a competition to create some awesome food. I'm getting 500 bucks, I'll be in their ad campain, on every menu and in some commercial I think. All together pretty rad... So I'm taking this chance to see Laura again and get back my books and hard drive. Seeing her again I have no doubt will be hard. I don't know how hard yet because I'm in a really good place right now. I don't want to fall back to where I was a few months ago. I don't want to regress. Do I think I will? Not really I kind of closed off my heart hard core. So while that hasn't been beneficial for starting new relationships it will at least save my soul from the past one. What will we talk about? What will I say? Will I be spiteful or kind? My bet is on being kind and caring. It seems to be my greatest downfall. Most of my core group says I should stray from her altogether. That I had given so much of myself to her with so little in return. One of those things where you are standing to close to the picture to see the whole thing. I put so much of myself into that whole situation working out and when it didn't I fell apart. Lord knows I can't even quantify how badly I fell apart and for what reason. It was only 4 months of maybes and what ifs. The one thing I can truly stand by is that I tried. I gave it my best shot and I was true to myself and my emotions. I chased and failed but had I not chased at all I would have never known. Some of my friends said she was horribly selfish to drag me along like that. I believed it to but I could have saved myself and given up. I could have bowed out early and not fought so hard. Still this is a new me. I'm taking chances because I finally have my confidence. If it leads me to heart ache so be it. If it leads me to the girl of my dreams even better. I'm not wasting any more of my life second guessing and i will pursue my dreams and hearts desires with a flame. She will not slow me down nor will she lead me back to that darkness. My life is picking up and I am going full speed. Between getting way healthier and finding my voice and creativity I can not fathom hitting any set backs. Nor will i let myself. So I may be wary, I may be nervous. I am still unsure but for my part I have moved on. The embers that burn for Laura have faded back to embers and those coals can only be poked back to life by her seeking me. Still my friends of the net wish me luck. It will be an interesting test on my part.