She's a minefield

So as I said it was the Renn Fair and I was pretty excited to spend that time with Laura. In fact the whole of the weekend went super well. Till right before she left she sort of dropped a bomb on me. After telling me she was damaged. A bomb that haunted me. So to hopefully alleviate the coming news whatever it may be I did something that I hadn't done sense the last time I chased her. I wrote her an email. See when I write emails they tend to be long and forthcoming. This one I held back on anything I thought might have been overwhelming as that's what got me into trouble the last time. In fact it was my overwhelming nature that spooked her although I don't think I had a real chance the last time anyway. My romantic ways didn't help in the matter. So I sent her this email basically saying I don't care what damages you have I'm ready to be there for you in any capacity you need. It has been my first outpouring of yes I want us to move forward sense our renewed acquaintance. Still I feel like I'm walking through a mine field with this girl. Every time I try and do anything that builds communication and understanding it's met with a new wall. A new block or new opposition. I can't seem to dodge or forgo these obstacles. Personally, it's almost backwards to me in a world that favors the bold she seems to favor the busted, broken, and cautious. Neither of which I am anymore. So yeah I have a job, I am becoming quite successful both in writing and art. I have aspiring roles in 3 different websites all art related and I am actually making a name for myself. I pay my own bills, I have good credit. Hell I'm a stand up individual. I've had my heartbroken, but it's not slowing me down. I'm pushing on in all ways I can. So after sending this email I had hoped for some sort of a response not even a response to the letter just a hey I got it and I'm not freaked out. So I got nervous after a day, worried after 2 days. Which prompted a second text but I stayed within my guidelines of never texting more than once a day. Still when she called she sounded annoyed. As if my worrying were something burdensome to her. That quickly passed sense she knows my mind plays war games with me. Which I have finally found the answer to. Simply put I need to accept failure. I need to assume I have lost already. If I don't it will be a happy surprise if she comes for me and if I do fail then I'll surely be ready. That's the position I'll adopt now. My mind has little defense against such a tactic so I think I'll be able to rest easy. I acknowledge I shouldn't have worried like I did. It does neither of us any good. She asked if I thought she would hate me and I simply said "No." I was only worried it may have been taken badly. I'm tired of playing these games with myself and her. I'm ready and if she's not so be it. She said something else that was oddly cryptic. She said, "I can't be responsible for your happiness." Which is something I never asked her to be responsible for so I was a little shocked by that line of reasoning. Still it is what it is. I shall be defeated. I'll throw in my towel and let life take me where it wants. I have resigned myself to be me and love the things I am doing in the here and now. I'll push hope to the wayside because hope results in nervousness and worrying. No need to hope if I have failed. I gave her my plea and if it's not something she can abide by I'll move on. So that's where I am now world. See you in the marrow.

I danced with her and fire dancers

When you have a weekend like this one it's hard to find fault in your relationship or lack there of relationship. We hit up the Renn Fest in KC and even though she got there late thanks to detours and road construction. It was amazing to get to be dressed in full pirate garb with Laura. Sarah had made me a pretty legit Pirate Outfit and I ended up even getting a real eye patch not just one of those funny looking ones that are plastic. Laura and I caught at least 3 Jolly Rogers shows. (side note Sully and I booked them for Auntie Mae's on the 10th.) We laughed and screamed along in proper pirate fashion during the shows. Jeered Robin hood as little John kicked his ass and danced along side flame weavers. It was an amazing day from there we came back to Manhattan and immediately into Aggifest. Caught a few bands but we were pretty bushed came back to my place and just cuddled up and fell asleep. We slept in till almost 11 the next day and went out for Breakfast/Lunch. Chilled out some more and then I sent her on her way. So I have a few more answers from Laura. It seems like a mine field Just trying to tip toe through her mental process to find out where I fit in her life. What things are keeping us from being together at this point and what I can do to change that. Seems her X Husband is leering back into the picture and damn it all if that isn't hard to counter act. I sent her a well written note on my thoughts. With any luck it won't be perceived as overwhelming. Still I don't even know anymore. When we are together nothing's wrong we are happy and just having fun. Even lately when we are apart the communication is good. I haven't found fault in our relationship yet still it's not where i want it to be. I actually want to take those steps to make us and US to get us rolling on the right track. She told me I represent a healthy meaningful relationship and to that I say why not act on it. She seems to think she's really damaged goods but even if she is. I don't mind I'm not here to fix her but I'll be there to help her find the answers. Time to see from here things get interesting.

I'm Tired

I'm tired. Tired of working these 45 hr weeks. Tired of constantly creating in some form. I love it it's not a bad thing but it's draining. Most of all chasing the ghost of a relationship I've been after. It's been almost a year and in that year we have had so many almosts and come so close it can be very defeating. It seems like anything I do or don't do falls to the way side. I can't seem to shake what ever road blocks have been set between Laura and I. I realize distance is an issue. She does live 2 hours away but in that she is given her space. She knows she has all the space in the world and so it's not that that hinders me. I can be there for her if she needs me or when she needs me. 2 hours isn't a hard drive. Most of my friend in LA have a 2 hour drive to see their significant others and they live in the same town. That's ridiculous. Plus I know she has maintained long distance relationships in the past and I wouldn't be one to make her do all the work. I used to be very romantic and giving. Still that seemed to lead me to trouble as she thought it was overwhelming. So I have cut that to bare bones as of late. It's still there but I won't be forcing it on her. I am still me and that's what she wanted the extra stuff seemed to just be too much. So no more of that. Calling her too often landed in that category as well. She's not a big phone, IM or text talker. Mostly, it just bugs her. Previously, she said it feels like a serious relationship when you talk everyday and she just wasn't looking for serious. I know I was. So this second time around I have restricted my calling, texting and messages. She has told me she really likes this whole being single and getting to know herself thing. Still I hate being held at bay because what I want isn't ready for me yet. To say she wants us is I think a safe assumption. When we are together everything is there. We are happy and sparks do seem to fly. I realize she finds it hard to even trust herself to be with me because of what I represent. Hope. I represent forever and that's something she wants but she's not ready for yet. So what do I do? Do I stay back and keep my fingers crossed hoping someday soon she'll see us as an US or do I just move on and be content to be her friend? Well that's what I had aimed for previously. When I went down there my full intention was to just be that friend. Still she gave me decent reason to believe she wanted more. Still she drew away. A fear maybe that what if we could work out. A fear that if we didn't would we be lost from each other again. I still believe a lot of these fears have been alleviated by our reunion. If we were going to be broken apart we wouldn't be talking and texting and seeing each other. I suppose that says something. Still we will see. I am so tired of this chase and after Octobers Harry Potter Party if I don't know if we are moving forward I believe I'll be moving on. It's the only sane choice I can make and she'll have to let me go or chase after me. It's really on her now. I've walled up my heart when it comes to this girl and for good reason. Guess time will tell but time's something that seems to be making me weaker.

-Art - Firefly of course

Time to be herself

So we had the talk. I didn't dread this talk I in fact knew exactly where she was. I just wanted to clarify to her where i was in the whole situation as well. See I'm a really honest person. So much so in fact that these last few weeks of not telling her how i feel and just being quite and giving her more space. Well it seemed like lying. I know it wasn't lying but it just seemed like I wasn't being fully honest. So I told myself that if i didn't get to see her this week I'd ask her about us. She told me that right now she's really just doing the being herself thing. Just enjoying life as a single girl no relationship string or anything hanging in the back of her mind. Just learning to love herself. I explained that's exactly where i thought she was and with the absence of 10 suitors. I didn't feel like I had to pressure her for a "yes" or a "no." I haven't got any vested interests in any new girls right now. I mean there will always be passing fancies but in general I am not chasing anyone so waiting for her isn't awful. So we are there now a level playing field starting from something and yet not starting yet at all. I know there are guys there that want her and I know there is a guy here that desires her too. This guys willing to wait so as not to screw up timing again. She is presently calling me more, texting me, and in line to come see me before I even made it back to see her. Which all falls under the rules my girls gave for this situation lol. They wanted to keep my heart in tact.

So do I really and I intend to make sure I don't fall into that darkness again. I am very guarded and she knows it. We are close her and I and I mean to keep it that way. If a relationship blossoms from these seeds of trust and loyalty then so be it. If not we are only getting stronger. I do want to be loved. I know she does love me. I also know she desires me. She's admitted both of these things. It's just a matter of taking the right steps forward and letting her know I can be someone who won't screw up or fall back. I can be stable and secure. So what's on the horizon for us. Well we have next weekend where there will be lots of bands, dinner, and the ren fair, a few weekends after that a harry potter themed party and all along these times we are going to be learning Italian together. I'm actually really excited about that. Maybe Satine and I will have some sweet skype conversations in Italian.

Other than that bringing my heart up behind walls. Lets see if she buys a mental hammer to come after it ;)

(todays art was a girl I saw in the airport in SF)

No ready for me yet?

Is it right to complain about nothing going wrong? Well it may not be but but nothing is moving forward either. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and I may drop hints here and there that aren't returned in turn but are artfully passed over. Sidestepped in someway. I personally think she's ok with just being single for a bit, but while she's doing that I'm still stuck on the line. Because I am not missing a second chance by seeking out a new love and then when she is ready I'll be taken and we will start this waiting dance all over again. So tonight I'll find out if I can go see her on Friday. I'll see if she'll accept my advance to advance slowly. We talk more often on the phone and text and I know something is there. I know something is growing its just putting that to the test. i don't see myself up against 7 suitors so I'm ok with waiting a bit. I'm ok for taking the time to find her heart and climb the walls she's put up. I'm in for the long road but I'd like to know that road leads to her heart. That I'm not walking forward for nothing. She says she can't promise me anything yet but then says things like I don't know if I'm ready for you yet. Yet implies she wants to be ready for me in the future. To see us together then. I really think she's tired of all the chases and douchbags that aren't going to give her anything more than a sexual fix. Lord knows I'm ready for something real in my life something tangible. Something i can hang on to, someone to kiss and feel them kiss me back. To hold and know that we are together. I guess we will see this week. It's fair to ask because after the last time I don't think I deserve to be left on the line. I am playing by her rules and that's the only way to win her heart.

No Promises

So you would think I would have learned. You would have thought after the last fall I would have given up. I have not. I just can't seem to pull myself away from the possibility of a future with Laura. A name that has become synonymous with slaps. Seriously, for a good 2 months I got slapped every time I brought her up around my friends. Oh and slapped hard. Still I pressed on. I went back to her and spent 3 wonderful days with her helping her pack up her house and get ready for a pretty big move. The first night we took things to her new place. Went out for some food at the bar we never went to because her now X BF worked at and I evaluated just where I stood with her. I really didn't know and as the night pressed on I felt more and more like I had landed back in the friend zone. Which I had prepped myself for. Honestly, I'm still prepped for that out come. Still leaving the bar She grasped my hand. That night we fell into each others arms and she told me she couldn't promise me anything. I wasn't going to ask her to. I just wanted another chance to walk with her. To be the first guy to not let her down. The next day I took her out for lunch and we ended up back at that bar. This time my friend Katy one of the girls that always slapped me got to spend some time with her. She's still worried for my heart. I'm still worried for my heart. Another night another close close night. We kissed, we held each other. We just were. I had to take off early from helping her move. We said our goodbyes and she restated she couldn't promise me anything. I don't know where to go from here. I guess I'll just be. I'll just be me for her. I have nothing left to overwhelm her with. I am just me and if that's something she can want then so be it. If it's not then I'll have my answer and I'll move on. I'll set out to find romance in someone else. Someone that will love me for me and all my crazy. I know we get each other, I know she loves me... I just have to see if that love can blossom into something new.