So I saw this girl...

More from the front lines

So been a bit sense last I typed here, I suppose you my reader are wondering what's new. Well it's been a lot of the same sense the last time I wrote. Still in Limbo with Laura although I feel more grounded than before. She took me on a tour of her mind and I understand her better now. I'm a better person for that as well i think. She's gotten inside my head in a big way and so writing lets her out a bit. She's still the girl i hope and pray I end up with. She's still the white buffalo. So in that whole competition for her heart thing which turned out not to be a competition at all just her letting her heart guide her. I can't fault her for that. Well it's down to two and i'm part of that weird love triangle.

So still a mind bender but at least it's not a massive mind bender. I know absolutely nothing about this other guy. I mean i talked to him a bit at her party once but I didn't know he was a suitor. As it happened much to me being unaware there were several suitors there that night. Oh well. Hind sights 20/20 and all that shit right. Well, she's trekking up here to Manhattan to meet my folks. Kinda nerve racking in that i never know what my mom will say to the girls I bring before her. Still they met once a long time ago and they are both KU fans' Kindred spirits. So I hope it all goes well. Still working out the finer details of her getting up here but it will happen and I'm very excited for this weekend. More to come when next I remember to type.

If home is where the heart is my home is to far away.

So recently, Jen has been writing this tell all on TNTML and its very emotionally draining for her and damn near for the readers. Still its opening her heart and I can not fault her for that. Recently, I too have opened my heart to the girl I am in love with. There I said it out loud. I am in love with her. I loved her once a long time ago and now I do again. It possibly could have carried over I don't know. Still love is what is going on. I know you aren't allowed to say that but really thats how we feel. Not saying it is just prolonging the hearts uncomfort. I wrote about that here --> LINK I cannot say if she feels the same. I know I see her desire for me in her eyes. In the way we kiss and hold each other. I have found home with her and it's not something I want to give up. So when I am in a game to win her heart from others who have similar aspersions, I will say this that it is very taxing. When we are together, it's all is as it should be. Everything clicks and she gets me in every sense of the word. When we are apart doubt creeps on me like a ghost. Living a few steps behind me everywhere I go.

I can't have a thought without it returning to her. I am not a jealous man and so this whole trying to decide which guy to go with isn't bugging me so much as the not knowing if it will be me. I have been disarmed and I stand before her powerless to a choice. My heart is hers and she knows she owns it. I haven't told her I LOVE her to her face but in the way I speak to her; she knows. It's a part of me I can't hide and it shines forth from my smile and my eyes. The part that gets me is I really do see her passion for me as well. In subtle things. A look, a smile, and in all the ways we interact. It all feels like we were puzzle pieces that got stuck to other pieces we didn't match and now have found each other. This whole life of ours has catapulted each of us back into each others lives over and over. It's like the universe is screaming, "Take a hint!"

So I write. As Jen put it writing is a greater therapy than any couch with some old person nodding at you. I have talked to my closest friends. Mostly, they all say the same thing. That if she likes me should should be with me. Having been with her though I also understand where she is coming from. Having options that are good and could all result in something amazing. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy to. I believe we could be happy together. I just have to wait and see if her heart sees it the same way I do. We have literally been in and out of each others lives for almost a decade. Each time narrowly avoiding the other. I'll admit I landed in the friend role. So me liking her kind of came out of left field. So there will need to be a bit of time to adjust to me being more than a casual friend and becoming a lover. She fears if her heart won't let her choose me then it could ruin our now rebounded friendship. Something she really doesn't want to happen. Still we have taken things a little further than that and there isn't any turning back now. All I have are my words as I have told her and those words will have to hold me over till I see her again.