No ready for me yet?

Is it right to complain about nothing going wrong? Well it may not be but but nothing is moving forward either. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and I may drop hints here and there that aren't returned in turn but are artfully passed over. Sidestepped in someway. I personally think she's ok with just being single for a bit, but while she's doing that I'm still stuck on the line. Because I am not missing a second chance by seeking out a new love and then when she is ready I'll be taken and we will start this waiting dance all over again. So tonight I'll find out if I can go see her on Friday. I'll see if she'll accept my advance to advance slowly. We talk more often on the phone and text and I know something is there. I know something is growing its just putting that to the test. i don't see myself up against 7 suitors so I'm ok with waiting a bit. I'm ok for taking the time to find her heart and climb the walls she's put up. I'm in for the long road but I'd like to know that road leads to her heart. That I'm not walking forward for nothing. She says she can't promise me anything yet but then says things like I don't know if I'm ready for you yet. Yet implies she wants to be ready for me in the future. To see us together then. I really think she's tired of all the chases and douchbags that aren't going to give her anything more than a sexual fix. Lord knows I'm ready for something real in my life something tangible. Something i can hang on to, someone to kiss and feel them kiss me back. To hold and know that we are together. I guess we will see this week. It's fair to ask because after the last time I don't think I deserve to be left on the line. I am playing by her rules and that's the only way to win her heart.

No Promises

So you would think I would have learned. You would have thought after the last fall I would have given up. I have not. I just can't seem to pull myself away from the possibility of a future with Laura. A name that has become synonymous with slaps. Seriously, for a good 2 months I got slapped every time I brought her up around my friends. Oh and slapped hard. Still I pressed on. I went back to her and spent 3 wonderful days with her helping her pack up her house and get ready for a pretty big move. The first night we took things to her new place. Went out for some food at the bar we never went to because her now X BF worked at and I evaluated just where I stood with her. I really didn't know and as the night pressed on I felt more and more like I had landed back in the friend zone. Which I had prepped myself for. Honestly, I'm still prepped for that out come. Still leaving the bar She grasped my hand. That night we fell into each others arms and she told me she couldn't promise me anything. I wasn't going to ask her to. I just wanted another chance to walk with her. To be the first guy to not let her down. The next day I took her out for lunch and we ended up back at that bar. This time my friend Katy one of the girls that always slapped me got to spend some time with her. She's still worried for my heart. I'm still worried for my heart. Another night another close close night. We kissed, we held each other. We just were. I had to take off early from helping her move. We said our goodbyes and she restated she couldn't promise me anything. I don't know where to go from here. I guess I'll just be. I'll just be me for her. I have nothing left to overwhelm her with. I am just me and if that's something she can want then so be it. If it's not then I'll have my answer and I'll move on. I'll set out to find romance in someone else. Someone that will love me for me and all my crazy. I know we get each other, I know she loves me... I just have to see if that love can blossom into something new.

Back into the Belly of the Beast

So i am going back to Wichita, not my choice. I am actually having to do this because I won a competition to create some awesome food. I'm getting 500 bucks, I'll be in their ad campain, on every menu and in some commercial I think. All together pretty rad... So I'm taking this chance to see Laura again and get back my books and hard drive. Seeing her again I have no doubt will be hard. I don't know how hard yet because I'm in a really good place right now. I don't want to fall back to where I was a few months ago. I don't want to regress. Do I think I will? Not really I kind of closed off my heart hard core. So while that hasn't been beneficial for starting new relationships it will at least save my soul from the past one. What will we talk about? What will I say? Will I be spiteful or kind? My bet is on being kind and caring. It seems to be my greatest downfall. Most of my core group says I should stray from her altogether. That I had given so much of myself to her with so little in return. One of those things where you are standing to close to the picture to see the whole thing. I put so much of myself into that whole situation working out and when it didn't I fell apart. Lord knows I can't even quantify how badly I fell apart and for what reason. It was only 4 months of maybes and what ifs. The one thing I can truly stand by is that I tried. I gave it my best shot and I was true to myself and my emotions. I chased and failed but had I not chased at all I would have never known. Some of my friends said she was horribly selfish to drag me along like that. I believed it to but I could have saved myself and given up. I could have bowed out early and not fought so hard. Still this is a new me. I'm taking chances because I finally have my confidence. If it leads me to heart ache so be it. If it leads me to the girl of my dreams even better. I'm not wasting any more of my life second guessing and i will pursue my dreams and hearts desires with a flame. She will not slow me down nor will she lead me back to that darkness. My life is picking up and I am going full speed. Between getting way healthier and finding my voice and creativity I can not fathom hitting any set backs. Nor will i let myself. So I may be wary, I may be nervous. I am still unsure but for my part I have moved on. The embers that burn for Laura have faded back to embers and those coals can only be poked back to life by her seeking me. Still my friends of the net wish me luck. It will be an interesting test on my part.

White Buffalo = Laura

Ok, so my life has in one week nearly flipped upside down and I won't lie I can't imagine all the things I'm feeling. After one of the most amazing weekends I could have ever hoped to have with the girl of my dreams. That would be Laura. She is the white buffalo. The girl I have been chasing sense the fist time I met her and didn't have the stones to tell her I liked her because I was a fool. After this weekend I know her desire is reciprocated. That's wonderful you say? Sure except nothing in my life is that easy. I have been pitted against two other suitors to my knowledge unknown. The one I did know about went off the deep end so no worries there. Still nothing in my romantic ventures is easy. When I asked Cherry out she told me to wait she had to think about it. Sure the answer was yes, but the waiting will drive you mad. Simone made me wait like a month before she said yes. So why would it be any different with Laura. Apparently, I'm something to ponder. Still this time she knows. This time I wasn't going to be a casual observer and hope things went my way. I'm a different person now. I know what I want in life and what I will risk to get those things. Most importantly i know I want to be with her.

Generally, I don't mind the waiting game. In fact I'm pretty good at the long game. When I dated Amber we were basically in a long game the whole time. Still I did a very dumb thing this time. I threw my entire heart into my desire to be with this girl after this weekend. When she left I went into a tailspin of depression. Kinda what happens when so many things go very good and suddenly stop because she isn't there any more. I was visibly shaken at work and I was constantly playing through might be's in my head. In short I was making myself crazy. So I rushed home and started writing. I figured it would be better to put the things in my head down on paper so at least they were out of my head. What I wrote was one of the most honest appraisals of how I was feeling and how I felt about my own life and where i wanted it to go that I have ever penned. So when she called me on Wednesday in an act of sheer brazen foolishness I brought up this 3 page manifesto. She said she's like to hear it. I breathed deep and prepared myself for total failure. How I had the balls to read this to her and not ask her out in the past is beyond me.

After this very long, very open, very reveling segment of my life there was a long pause on the phone. The kind of pause that turns a man white with fear. I broke the silence with a pretty trembly, "um..?" She stopped me before my desire to spill random word vomit took over because I have a terrible fear of silence. She said, " Sorry just trying to process all that." I spun immediately into apology mode and felt ashamed I had even wrote it. She stopped me again before I made yet another foolish mistake. She told me it was fine and not a bad thing at all. That it just needs to be answered in turn very honestly. We talked for a while longer, a good sign in my eyes and I let her go begrudgingly to host my event that night. The next few days I was really freaked out. Having no idea how this would all come back to haunt me. I have never been that honest and open with a girl. This coming from a guy that doesn't lie and is generally very honest and open. I went above and beyond my limits. The sky was left far behind in my reach for hope.

There's that word again, "hope." For the last few months I had nursed an infant named hope and it was growing. In one week It shot up like some hydroponic plant. Forcing me to go through all it's life stages at once. The terrible twos of trepidation. The wonderful years where we get along and love each other. the bitter high school years where hope hates me and wants nothing to do with me. The college years where It's coming back around to liking me but I think it's only cause it wants something. Finally, full on grown up powerful hope. My heart is in this all the way now. There is no turning back. She says, "processing. will think on it and follow up with an honest response. open communication, right? you have opened the flood gates, so i hope you aren't disappointed with what comes out. don't be scared. not bad things." That message in it's self is terrifying. How can I be disappointed if the end result is I get to be with her. Better still is she knows I'm terrified. This girl can read me like a book.

I had only read my master soul opening diatribe to two people before reading it to Laura to get their opinions on it. Each of them said I had to send it to her. Afterwards, I let a few other very close friend leaf through it's contents and all they had to say was Wow! When this is all said and done and hopefully in my favor. I'll ask her if I can post it here or somewhere. See how the world feels about it as well. For now I wait, I hope beyond hope. I measure my time in seconds that feel like hours. My brain is a whirl of madness coalescing in one steady stream of consciousness. All I have to filter it is my mouth. So lets see how much trouble that gets me in.

great white buffalo

So I'll be trying to write a little more here. You know cause so many people read this lol. I must admit my columns on TNTML have apparently gotten a lot of views. Don't know how many people like or dislike them no one's really commenting. Soon enough I'll keep writing until I have a faithful following. Really I just write what i know and about things I feel passionate or comical about. What's that you ask? No I didn't draw that image above here. I did color it. One of the few Satine released on her site. Bit of a discrepancy this will not be the version you see in the book. This one has the pupils. Very Very excited to be put in print with her later this year. Almost as excited as I was to have my name in Danny's LMS killbook. Dear god that was so beautiful.

Still that's not why I've taken the time to write today. The search for the Great White Buffalo may actually be turning out right. I was fearful when a cowboy interceded and try to coral this beautiful Bison, still I have faith that this time the waiting game won't be so long. Great White Buffalo = Girl that got away. Yeah, it's a long shot and I've been warned by more than one person not to go after girls who have been divorced. Still she's still amazing and I still like her. My feelings for her aren't going to change just because she was married. Talked to her for a few hours last night just telling stories. Was a wonderful night too. Great Saturday too I mean I didn't go out and I stayed in and talked to the girl I like. Go figure. So who knows how all this well go I've got my hopes up which is probably a mistake but hey a man's gotta hold onto his dreams.

Jordan