Ann Spade Loves ME!!!

Back into the Belly of the Beast

So i am going back to Wichita, not my choice. I am actually having to do this because I won a competition to create some awesome food. I'm getting 500 bucks, I'll be in their ad campain, on every menu and in some commercial I think. All together pretty rad... So I'm taking this chance to see Laura again and get back my books and hard drive. Seeing her again I have no doubt will be hard. I don't know how hard yet because I'm in a really good place right now. I don't want to fall back to where I was a few months ago. I don't want to regress. Do I think I will? Not really I kind of closed off my heart hard core. So while that hasn't been beneficial for starting new relationships it will at least save my soul from the past one. What will we talk about? What will I say? Will I be spiteful or kind? My bet is on being kind and caring. It seems to be my greatest downfall. Most of my core group says I should stray from her altogether. That I had given so much of myself to her with so little in return. One of those things where you are standing to close to the picture to see the whole thing. I put so much of myself into that whole situation working out and when it didn't I fell apart. Lord knows I can't even quantify how badly I fell apart and for what reason. It was only 4 months of maybes and what ifs. The one thing I can truly stand by is that I tried. I gave it my best shot and I was true to myself and my emotions. I chased and failed but had I not chased at all I would have never known. Some of my friends said she was horribly selfish to drag me along like that. I believed it to but I could have saved myself and given up. I could have bowed out early and not fought so hard. Still this is a new me. I'm taking chances because I finally have my confidence. If it leads me to heart ache so be it. If it leads me to the girl of my dreams even better. I'm not wasting any more of my life second guessing and i will pursue my dreams and hearts desires with a flame. She will not slow me down nor will she lead me back to that darkness. My life is picking up and I am going full speed. Between getting way healthier and finding my voice and creativity I can not fathom hitting any set backs. Nor will i let myself. So I may be wary, I may be nervous. I am still unsure but for my part I have moved on. The embers that burn for Laura have faded back to embers and those coals can only be poked back to life by her seeking me. Still my friends of the net wish me luck. It will be an interesting test on my part.

I was on the news

IF - perennial

LA! LA! Can I have it like that.

So my vacation started with a fun amount of crazy. I had to finish the image above before I left because they needed it for today and I was going to be gone. I managed to finish it around 3 in the morning and then pack for LA which I should have done way earlier. Still I love how this picture turned out. So I woke up around 9 and took off for Lawrence where I had a lunch date with the very lovely Alex Browne. Check facebook for pictures of that when I get back to Kansas. Got out of there late because I stayed to check out her amazing art and so I didn't get to spend alot of time with my sister in law in KC. Bounced over to the Airport and ended up sitting next to a couple con kids heading out to Chicago they liked the drawing I was doing for Crystal's birthday. Then I was off into the friendly sky's above. I managed to read all of Punisher; Frankencastle arc. Then a decent amount of my Fritz Leiber book before I touched down in LA and Crystal was right there when I got there. This trip so far is perfection. We got some food went back to her place caught up and had some wine. Very relaxing night.

The next day I woke up super early because LA is 2 hrs behind KS time so I was up and about like a gun shot. Saw Crystal off to her job and took a shower. After that I took off on a walk into Beverly Hills. The day was so beautiful I was just soaking up the sun. Got lunch at Nonna's Empanada's and hit the mall to find a nice shirt for dinner tonight. Everything was plaid. I was freaked by all the farmer fashion and when I finally found a shirt i liked it was 420 bucks. GOD DAMN!!!! I left empty handed and grabber some of that fruit cart fruit and had an awesome brunch if you will on my walk home. Started writing up an article for Talk Nerdy to Me Lover. Decided to take a smoke break and ran into Jason Bateman. So random! I love life so much right now. That's about it so far look forward to more details coming soon.

IF: Midsummer Night (nightmare)

New Chapter - length to be determined

It's a funny thing really. Just a few months ago I was ripping myself apart to find out why the girl I liked didn't like me. Literally, tearing at my soul. So its somewhat shocking that so shortly after that I have found myself involved with someone new. She's very intelligent so conversation wise we always have things to talk about. Still she's a different kind of nerd than me. Certainly a lot of opposites to work with here. I don't know if we'll pan out. Honestly, I don't know if this is all just another rebound thing for each of us. Seeing as we both just got out of relationships but for now it's good to be wanted. It's good to be desired. I fear I have closed myself off emotionally however after the soul wrench I did in the previous relationship. I Have locked my heart away for now and I'm giving it time to heal. It needs that. So for now I won't be opening it up. For fear that getting it involved in anything new when the wounds from the last are still so fresh will only aggravate the wound.

If she's at the same place it's probably for the best. We have talked about it in passing how neither of us know if this is going somewhere. Personally, I think we should just enjoy each others company and if things start to get weird, dramatic, or awkward part ways and keep the friendship. We share a lot of things in common as well. Still I think some of our core beliefs will conflict in big ways as the desire phase passes into the true knowledge phase. Guess we'll see. Still for now its a grand new adventure and I think it shall play a role in crafting who we are. At least whom I am and will be. Every new direction, every new decision leads us right to where we will end up. Can't wait to see the end of my story because getting there has been marvelous.

In more awesome news my brother Stephen is finally married. I say finally like it's been something coming for years and in a way it has. Still that makes two younger brothers of mine married before me. That kind of eats at you. I know it's not a race but damn it all how is it that I suck so bad at finding a real love. Oh well. I'll carry on in my crazy life. You see that's why i can't find it. The girl I'm looking for will no doubt have to deal with her own fair share of crazy. Seriously, I'm tempered in pure out there antics. Maybe I like the reaction, maybe I like to push people just far enough to test their resolve. Maybe I'm just me and I decided a long time ago that I want the person who falls for me to fall for me and not a mask I wear trying to be something they want me to be. Still I don't mind making minor concessions. Anyway, peace! I gotta sleep. 9 - 5 tomorrow. Gotta pour myself a cup of ambition and hope and pray it's not 100 degrees there again.