Ok, so my life has in one week nearly flipped upside down and I won't lie I can't imagine all the things I'm feeling. After one of the most amazing weekends I could have ever hoped to have with the girl of my dreams. That would be Laura. She is the white buffalo. The girl I have been chasing sense the fist time I met her and didn't have the stones to tell her I liked her because I was a fool. After this weekend I know her desire is reciprocated. That's wonderful you say? Sure except nothing in my life is that easy. I have been pitted against two other suitors to my knowledge unknown. The one I did know about went off the deep end so no worries there. Still nothing in my romantic ventures is easy. When I asked Cherry out she told me to wait she had to think about it. Sure the answer was yes, but the waiting will drive you mad. Simone made me wait like a month before she said yes. So why would it be any different with Laura. Apparently, I'm something to ponder. Still this time she knows. This time I wasn't going to be a casual observer and hope things went my way. I'm a different person now. I know what I want in life and what I will risk to get those things. Most importantly i know I want to be with her.Generally, I don't mind the waiting game. In fact I'm pretty good at the long game. When I dated Amber we were basically in a long game the whole time. Still I did a very dumb thing this time. I threw my entire heart into my desire to be with this girl after this weekend. When she left I went into a tailspin of depression. Kinda what happens when so many things go very good and suddenly stop because she isn't there any more. I was visibly shaken at work and I was constantly playing through might be's in my head. In short I was making myself crazy. So I rushed home and started writing. I figured it would be better to put the things in my head down on paper so at least they were out of my head. What I wrote was one of the most honest appraisals of how I was feeling and how I felt about my own life and where i wanted it to go that I have ever penned. So when she called me on Wednesday in an act of sheer brazen foolishness I brought up this 3 page manifesto. She said she's like to hear it. I breathed deep and prepared myself for total failure. How I had the balls to read this to her and not ask her out in the past is beyond me.
After this very long, very open, very reveling segment of my life there was a long pause on the phone. The kind of pause that turns a man white with fear. I broke the silence with a pretty trembly, "um..?" She stopped me before my desire to spill random word vomit took over because I have a terrible fear of silence. She said, " Sorry just trying to process all that." I spun immediately into apology mode and felt ashamed I had even wrote it. She stopped me again before I made yet another foolish mistake. She told me it was fine and not a bad thing at all. That it just needs to be answered in turn very honestly. We talked for a while longer, a good sign in my eyes and I let her go begrudgingly to host my event that night. The next few days I was really freaked out. Having no idea how this would all come back to haunt me. I have never been that honest and open with a girl. This coming from a guy that doesn't lie and is generally very honest and open. I went above and beyond my limits. The sky was left far behind in my reach for hope.
There's that word again, "hope." For the last few months I had nursed an infant named hope and it was growing. In one week It shot up like some hydroponic plant. Forcing me to go through all it's life stages at once. The terrible twos of trepidation. The wonderful years where we get along and love each other. the bitter high school years where hope hates me and wants nothing to do with me. The college years where It's coming back around to liking me but I think it's only cause it wants something. Finally, full on grown up powerful hope. My heart is in this all the way now. There is no turning back. She says, "processing. will think on it and follow up with an honest response. open communication, right? you have opened the flood gates, so i hope you aren't disappointed with what comes out. don't be scared. not bad things." That message in it's self is terrifying. How can I be disappointed if the end result is I get to be with her. Better still is she knows I'm terrified. This girl can read me like a book.
I had only read my master soul opening diatribe to two people before reading it to Laura to get their opinions on it. Each of them said I had to send it to her. Afterwards, I let a few other very close friend leaf through it's contents and all they had to say was Wow! When this is all said and done and hopefully in my favor. I'll ask her if I can post it here or somewhere. See how the world feels about it as well. For now I wait, I hope beyond hope. I measure my time in seconds that feel like hours. My brain is a whirl of madness coalescing in one steady stream of consciousness. All I have to filter it is my mouth. So lets see how much trouble that gets me in.
