So I saw this girl...

More from the front lines

So been a bit sense last I typed here, I suppose you my reader are wondering what's new. Well it's been a lot of the same sense the last time I wrote. Still in Limbo with Laura although I feel more grounded than before. She took me on a tour of her mind and I understand her better now. I'm a better person for that as well i think. She's gotten inside my head in a big way and so writing lets her out a bit. She's still the girl i hope and pray I end up with. She's still the white buffalo. So in that whole competition for her heart thing which turned out not to be a competition at all just her letting her heart guide her. I can't fault her for that. Well it's down to two and i'm part of that weird love triangle.

So still a mind bender but at least it's not a massive mind bender. I know absolutely nothing about this other guy. I mean i talked to him a bit at her party once but I didn't know he was a suitor. As it happened much to me being unaware there were several suitors there that night. Oh well. Hind sights 20/20 and all that shit right. Well, she's trekking up here to Manhattan to meet my folks. Kinda nerve racking in that i never know what my mom will say to the girls I bring before her. Still they met once a long time ago and they are both KU fans' Kindred spirits. So I hope it all goes well. Still working out the finer details of her getting up here but it will happen and I'm very excited for this weekend. More to come when next I remember to type.

If home is where the heart is my home is to far away.

So recently, Jen has been writing this tell all on TNTML and its very emotionally draining for her and damn near for the readers. Still its opening her heart and I can not fault her for that. Recently, I too have opened my heart to the girl I am in love with. There I said it out loud. I am in love with her. I loved her once a long time ago and now I do again. It possibly could have carried over I don't know. Still love is what is going on. I know you aren't allowed to say that but really thats how we feel. Not saying it is just prolonging the hearts uncomfort. I wrote about that here --> LINK I cannot say if she feels the same. I know I see her desire for me in her eyes. In the way we kiss and hold each other. I have found home with her and it's not something I want to give up. So when I am in a game to win her heart from others who have similar aspersions, I will say this that it is very taxing. When we are together, it's all is as it should be. Everything clicks and she gets me in every sense of the word. When we are apart doubt creeps on me like a ghost. Living a few steps behind me everywhere I go.

I can't have a thought without it returning to her. I am not a jealous man and so this whole trying to decide which guy to go with isn't bugging me so much as the not knowing if it will be me. I have been disarmed and I stand before her powerless to a choice. My heart is hers and she knows she owns it. I haven't told her I LOVE her to her face but in the way I speak to her; she knows. It's a part of me I can't hide and it shines forth from my smile and my eyes. The part that gets me is I really do see her passion for me as well. In subtle things. A look, a smile, and in all the ways we interact. It all feels like we were puzzle pieces that got stuck to other pieces we didn't match and now have found each other. This whole life of ours has catapulted each of us back into each others lives over and over. It's like the universe is screaming, "Take a hint!"

So I write. As Jen put it writing is a greater therapy than any couch with some old person nodding at you. I have talked to my closest friends. Mostly, they all say the same thing. That if she likes me should should be with me. Having been with her though I also understand where she is coming from. Having options that are good and could all result in something amazing. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy to. I believe we could be happy together. I just have to wait and see if her heart sees it the same way I do. We have literally been in and out of each others lives for almost a decade. Each time narrowly avoiding the other. I'll admit I landed in the friend role. So me liking her kind of came out of left field. So there will need to be a bit of time to adjust to me being more than a casual friend and becoming a lover. She fears if her heart won't let her choose me then it could ruin our now rebounded friendship. Something she really doesn't want to happen. Still we have taken things a little further than that and there isn't any turning back now. All I have are my words as I have told her and those words will have to hold me over till I see her again.

White Buffalo = Laura

Ok, so my life has in one week nearly flipped upside down and I won't lie I can't imagine all the things I'm feeling. After one of the most amazing weekends I could have ever hoped to have with the girl of my dreams. That would be Laura. She is the white buffalo. The girl I have been chasing sense the fist time I met her and didn't have the stones to tell her I liked her because I was a fool. After this weekend I know her desire is reciprocated. That's wonderful you say? Sure except nothing in my life is that easy. I have been pitted against two other suitors to my knowledge unknown. The one I did know about went off the deep end so no worries there. Still nothing in my romantic ventures is easy. When I asked Cherry out she told me to wait she had to think about it. Sure the answer was yes, but the waiting will drive you mad. Simone made me wait like a month before she said yes. So why would it be any different with Laura. Apparently, I'm something to ponder. Still this time she knows. This time I wasn't going to be a casual observer and hope things went my way. I'm a different person now. I know what I want in life and what I will risk to get those things. Most importantly i know I want to be with her.

Generally, I don't mind the waiting game. In fact I'm pretty good at the long game. When I dated Amber we were basically in a long game the whole time. Still I did a very dumb thing this time. I threw my entire heart into my desire to be with this girl after this weekend. When she left I went into a tailspin of depression. Kinda what happens when so many things go very good and suddenly stop because she isn't there any more. I was visibly shaken at work and I was constantly playing through might be's in my head. In short I was making myself crazy. So I rushed home and started writing. I figured it would be better to put the things in my head down on paper so at least they were out of my head. What I wrote was one of the most honest appraisals of how I was feeling and how I felt about my own life and where i wanted it to go that I have ever penned. So when she called me on Wednesday in an act of sheer brazen foolishness I brought up this 3 page manifesto. She said she's like to hear it. I breathed deep and prepared myself for total failure. How I had the balls to read this to her and not ask her out in the past is beyond me.

After this very long, very open, very reveling segment of my life there was a long pause on the phone. The kind of pause that turns a man white with fear. I broke the silence with a pretty trembly, "um..?" She stopped me before my desire to spill random word vomit took over because I have a terrible fear of silence. She said, " Sorry just trying to process all that." I spun immediately into apology mode and felt ashamed I had even wrote it. She stopped me again before I made yet another foolish mistake. She told me it was fine and not a bad thing at all. That it just needs to be answered in turn very honestly. We talked for a while longer, a good sign in my eyes and I let her go begrudgingly to host my event that night. The next few days I was really freaked out. Having no idea how this would all come back to haunt me. I have never been that honest and open with a girl. This coming from a guy that doesn't lie and is generally very honest and open. I went above and beyond my limits. The sky was left far behind in my reach for hope.

There's that word again, "hope." For the last few months I had nursed an infant named hope and it was growing. In one week It shot up like some hydroponic plant. Forcing me to go through all it's life stages at once. The terrible twos of trepidation. The wonderful years where we get along and love each other. the bitter high school years where hope hates me and wants nothing to do with me. The college years where It's coming back around to liking me but I think it's only cause it wants something. Finally, full on grown up powerful hope. My heart is in this all the way now. There is no turning back. She says, "processing. will think on it and follow up with an honest response. open communication, right? you have opened the flood gates, so i hope you aren't disappointed with what comes out. don't be scared. not bad things." That message in it's self is terrifying. How can I be disappointed if the end result is I get to be with her. Better still is she knows I'm terrified. This girl can read me like a book.

I had only read my master soul opening diatribe to two people before reading it to Laura to get their opinions on it. Each of them said I had to send it to her. Afterwards, I let a few other very close friend leaf through it's contents and all they had to say was Wow! When this is all said and done and hopefully in my favor. I'll ask her if I can post it here or somewhere. See how the world feels about it as well. For now I wait, I hope beyond hope. I measure my time in seconds that feel like hours. My brain is a whirl of madness coalescing in one steady stream of consciousness. All I have to filter it is my mouth. So lets see how much trouble that gets me in.

great white buffalo

So I'll be trying to write a little more here. You know cause so many people read this lol. I must admit my columns on TNTML have apparently gotten a lot of views. Don't know how many people like or dislike them no one's really commenting. Soon enough I'll keep writing until I have a faithful following. Really I just write what i know and about things I feel passionate or comical about. What's that you ask? No I didn't draw that image above here. I did color it. One of the few Satine released on her site. Bit of a discrepancy this will not be the version you see in the book. This one has the pupils. Very Very excited to be put in print with her later this year. Almost as excited as I was to have my name in Danny's LMS killbook. Dear god that was so beautiful.

Still that's not why I've taken the time to write today. The search for the Great White Buffalo may actually be turning out right. I was fearful when a cowboy interceded and try to coral this beautiful Bison, still I have faith that this time the waiting game won't be so long. Great White Buffalo = Girl that got away. Yeah, it's a long shot and I've been warned by more than one person not to go after girls who have been divorced. Still she's still amazing and I still like her. My feelings for her aren't going to change just because she was married. Talked to her for a few hours last night just telling stories. Was a wonderful night too. Great Saturday too I mean I didn't go out and I stayed in and talked to the girl I like. Go figure. So who knows how all this well go I've got my hopes up which is probably a mistake but hey a man's gotta hold onto his dreams.

Jordan

wow been a while

Holy crap has my life been crazy lately. Seriously, I have had major waves pushing me all over and it's amazing. I can see my destiny unravel before me. The girl of my dreams is recently single. Who knows what will come of that but you never know especially the way life is working right now. Another girl who isn't single but is cool as all kudos has sprung up in my life. The wonderful Ashleigh Mayes. She writers for a blog called Kypto Dies. We have become writing soul mates at the other website we both write for Talk nerdy to me lover. Seriously, we just click so well. I will admit to having a crush on her. Now as you may remember I had things happening with the lovely Satine Phoenix who has a blog you can visit if you so choose called Sex, Food, and Comics. Well we finally paired up and while it was one month of very hard works you'll get to see our collaboration in the new year. Brought out by Rao Entertainment. That's just the tip of the Ice Burg turns out the TNTML website is getting turned into a TV series based around Jen's crazy life. Lord know I may even see an actor depicting me O.o how crazy would that be lol. Doubt that would happen but that's just how crazy this tale spinning life has been lately. I'll be posting more here later. For now this was my update.

So it's been a long while sense I wrote out some kinda random drival to those of you whom pass this blog by. Turns out not only have I become a poet, painter, and artist in my life. Now I'll be a paid writer for a trendy blog http://www.talknerdytomelover.com/ So far I've put up two pieces but that's just the start. On top of that I've been working with alot of really fun people in the movie industry and life just seems to be taking a wonderful turn. Still looking for that girl but even in that venue the skies seem to be clearing. Sorry for the lack of updates here. I have been working on alot of commissions, written pieces, poems and this final class I have to take to graduate. I'm sure i'll post more soon :)