Swept

End of Hope

Ok, maybe not the full on end of hope. I still had to cut ties for now. I really have no idea, now especially, if we'll run back into each other romantically. Seems unlikely, but if we do it will be on her part so... the heart wants what the heart wants and hers didn't want me right now. I really think she gave it a good try and that she hoped it would. Still what can ya do. So moving on to the next chapter. That last one kinda tore me apart and I still get aftershocks of pain here and there. It's so surreal sometimes I see her face and house in my mind. I dream walk through them as if I can still grasp at them. So many songs, movies, youtube clips, and just plain moments in life remind me of her. We have so much in common. This has been one of my shortest relationships in my life but I invested so much of myself in it that it may have become the most damning. She will always have embers burning in my soul for her. She knows it too. Also kinda ruined the movie Tangled for me. I really really loved that movie. Now I can barely make it through the paper lantern scene. Le sigh. Ok! so that's all well and good there moving on and past that. Like I said she can come for me if she likes. I'm done investing in something that will most likely never pan out. Done hoping for something that seems to always slip through my grasp.

Moving on in random life updates. I've sense January been on a major get healthy kick. I've been controlling my calories. Working out at least 5 times a week, and most recently I have quit smoking again. At least I am trying to. I hate the first few weeks of the end of smoking. It's kind of awful and not because of the cravings. That I can deal with it's the fact that you are getting your taste buds back so everything thing tastes and smells new and usually really weird. Also you cough soooo much it's ridiculous. You are hacking out all that crap in your throat and lungs that had been built up there for however long you smoked. Anyway, in a few more weeks I'm sure I'll feel super healthy. I already miss the appetite supression and stimulant in it but what can ya do. No better time to quit smoking than when you are actively exercising. That way you aren't gaining the weight all smokers fear you will gain after giving up the nicotine crutch. Quitting smoking doesn't lend it's self to weight gain it's trading smoking for snacking something that always seems to happen. I was using a Blu Cig - An electronic Cigarette... but I washed it and I'm pretty sure it's not working anymore. So I guess it's cold turkey for me. Woot! I have gained the evil 5 - 10lbs back, but I have been pushing myself way harder at the gym to get fit so that ultimately that won't get me down. I've worked to hard not to push through. I was also taking these pills that boost your matabolism. My friend said it's way better to just work it off instead of using chemical aids. When you use the stimulants, if you stop using them the lbs come back pretty fast.

So there ya have it a little run down in my life of all the craziness that's happening. Look forward to new antic with what ever new girl decided to enthrall me ;)

Bump in the road

So lets call this a bump in the road. Honestly, It may be a dead end when it's all said an done but for now there is still that glimmer of hope in my heart. The chasing of the girl I love wasn't going so well. I mean we were good just she kept pulling back and this confounded me. Last Wednesday I found out why. Me and the other guy she was "casually" dating weren't both after her. I was after her and she was after him. You can never catch someone who is chasing someone else. So I sent her a message saying such. Basically that there was nothing more I could do and I don't know what she wants me to do. She responded via email and let me know that it's a screwed up situation and that she knew all she had to do was turn around and I'd be there waiting for her to just fit. That i deserved to be her first choice and she feels like she's banging her head against a wall knowing I'm here for her. She wished she could just turn her heart towards me but it's scared of the type of relationship i want to pursue. I can't fault her for her logic. I get it i really do. So I told her I would give her an all stop. No calling, no texting, no emails. Just let her have the time to see if this other guy is what she wants and let her pursue him without me throwing it all off balance. Still I can't wait... I mean I could. I just know she doesn't want me to even though she does. She's everything I want from a girl and we go together so well it's ridiculous. Still this whole thing was so awful for my mind. Being in love with someone and never knowing if it's reciprocated. Worse still knowing they see us as an "US" and can't act on it. So backing all the way back for a bit. I'll let her miss me, let her miss my romance maybe let her see just what I can be. Maybe I'll pursue another girl, maybe I'll move on with my life knowing the whole time she's only 2 hours away from me. in a world full of people knowing a girl you could be soul mates with is so near gets to you. Sense last Wednesday I have many lows. I kept hoping she would buckle and call or message me or anything. We still responded on facebook wall posts but i'm not counting that. I just wanted to know I meant more to her than a few facebook responses. I told her straight up if she wanted me again it would be on her to instigate it. I can't put my heart through this again if hers isn't ready to be with me. On Thursday she sent me a music video via Facebook message.

It's a bit of a warning about who she sees herself as. Possibly, what I would be getting myself into. So a week of basically silence she sends me that. Once again confused as to what to do or even how to take it. She talked about the next time I was up how she's sing me another of this girls songs for karaoke. Who knows I'm probably reading way to much into these things. I'm going to maintain my distance. I'll stay out of reach unless she wants to reach me. The guy she's after may not even want her and really it does suck. I mean maybe it's what she needs to confirm she can catch the guy that's out of grasp. Still in doing so she has put me out of grasp. Something that could have been easy has been turned wonderfully difficult. The ball is in her court now and I'll see where things go. Really, as far as romantic interests I don't have any grand things in line. Just one girl from Arkansas who has a boyfriend and lets be honest is too young for me anyway. She's still amazing but I doubt anything will come from that. Still it's not even something i thought would be an issue as I was fully committed to Laura. Time will tell and I know time or fate will put me back together with Laura later it always does. Just don't want it to be in the fall of our lives because we were too stubborn to act in the presence. I truly hope Pride won't be our greatest undoing. Well that's all for now I hope everything turns out ok. It hurts not to be able to talk to someone you love.

So I saw this girl...

More from the front lines

So been a bit sense last I typed here, I suppose you my reader are wondering what's new. Well it's been a lot of the same sense the last time I wrote. Still in Limbo with Laura although I feel more grounded than before. She took me on a tour of her mind and I understand her better now. I'm a better person for that as well i think. She's gotten inside my head in a big way and so writing lets her out a bit. She's still the girl i hope and pray I end up with. She's still the white buffalo. So in that whole competition for her heart thing which turned out not to be a competition at all just her letting her heart guide her. I can't fault her for that. Well it's down to two and i'm part of that weird love triangle.

So still a mind bender but at least it's not a massive mind bender. I know absolutely nothing about this other guy. I mean i talked to him a bit at her party once but I didn't know he was a suitor. As it happened much to me being unaware there were several suitors there that night. Oh well. Hind sights 20/20 and all that shit right. Well, she's trekking up here to Manhattan to meet my folks. Kinda nerve racking in that i never know what my mom will say to the girls I bring before her. Still they met once a long time ago and they are both KU fans' Kindred spirits. So I hope it all goes well. Still working out the finer details of her getting up here but it will happen and I'm very excited for this weekend. More to come when next I remember to type.

If home is where the heart is my home is to far away.

So recently, Jen has been writing this tell all on TNTML and its very emotionally draining for her and damn near for the readers. Still its opening her heart and I can not fault her for that. Recently, I too have opened my heart to the girl I am in love with. There I said it out loud. I am in love with her. I loved her once a long time ago and now I do again. It possibly could have carried over I don't know. Still love is what is going on. I know you aren't allowed to say that but really thats how we feel. Not saying it is just prolonging the hearts uncomfort. I wrote about that here --> LINK I cannot say if she feels the same. I know I see her desire for me in her eyes. In the way we kiss and hold each other. I have found home with her and it's not something I want to give up. So when I am in a game to win her heart from others who have similar aspersions, I will say this that it is very taxing. When we are together, it's all is as it should be. Everything clicks and she gets me in every sense of the word. When we are apart doubt creeps on me like a ghost. Living a few steps behind me everywhere I go.

I can't have a thought without it returning to her. I am not a jealous man and so this whole trying to decide which guy to go with isn't bugging me so much as the not knowing if it will be me. I have been disarmed and I stand before her powerless to a choice. My heart is hers and she knows she owns it. I haven't told her I LOVE her to her face but in the way I speak to her; she knows. It's a part of me I can't hide and it shines forth from my smile and my eyes. The part that gets me is I really do see her passion for me as well. In subtle things. A look, a smile, and in all the ways we interact. It all feels like we were puzzle pieces that got stuck to other pieces we didn't match and now have found each other. This whole life of ours has catapulted each of us back into each others lives over and over. It's like the universe is screaming, "Take a hint!"

So I write. As Jen put it writing is a greater therapy than any couch with some old person nodding at you. I have talked to my closest friends. Mostly, they all say the same thing. That if she likes me should should be with me. Having been with her though I also understand where she is coming from. Having options that are good and could all result in something amazing. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy to. I believe we could be happy together. I just have to wait and see if her heart sees it the same way I do. We have literally been in and out of each others lives for almost a decade. Each time narrowly avoiding the other. I'll admit I landed in the friend role. So me liking her kind of came out of left field. So there will need to be a bit of time to adjust to me being more than a casual friend and becoming a lover. She fears if her heart won't let her choose me then it could ruin our now rebounded friendship. Something she really doesn't want to happen. Still we have taken things a little further than that and there isn't any turning back now. All I have are my words as I have told her and those words will have to hold me over till I see her again.

White Buffalo = Laura

Ok, so my life has in one week nearly flipped upside down and I won't lie I can't imagine all the things I'm feeling. After one of the most amazing weekends I could have ever hoped to have with the girl of my dreams. That would be Laura. She is the white buffalo. The girl I have been chasing sense the fist time I met her and didn't have the stones to tell her I liked her because I was a fool. After this weekend I know her desire is reciprocated. That's wonderful you say? Sure except nothing in my life is that easy. I have been pitted against two other suitors to my knowledge unknown. The one I did know about went off the deep end so no worries there. Still nothing in my romantic ventures is easy. When I asked Cherry out she told me to wait she had to think about it. Sure the answer was yes, but the waiting will drive you mad. Simone made me wait like a month before she said yes. So why would it be any different with Laura. Apparently, I'm something to ponder. Still this time she knows. This time I wasn't going to be a casual observer and hope things went my way. I'm a different person now. I know what I want in life and what I will risk to get those things. Most importantly i know I want to be with her.

Generally, I don't mind the waiting game. In fact I'm pretty good at the long game. When I dated Amber we were basically in a long game the whole time. Still I did a very dumb thing this time. I threw my entire heart into my desire to be with this girl after this weekend. When she left I went into a tailspin of depression. Kinda what happens when so many things go very good and suddenly stop because she isn't there any more. I was visibly shaken at work and I was constantly playing through might be's in my head. In short I was making myself crazy. So I rushed home and started writing. I figured it would be better to put the things in my head down on paper so at least they were out of my head. What I wrote was one of the most honest appraisals of how I was feeling and how I felt about my own life and where i wanted it to go that I have ever penned. So when she called me on Wednesday in an act of sheer brazen foolishness I brought up this 3 page manifesto. She said she's like to hear it. I breathed deep and prepared myself for total failure. How I had the balls to read this to her and not ask her out in the past is beyond me.

After this very long, very open, very reveling segment of my life there was a long pause on the phone. The kind of pause that turns a man white with fear. I broke the silence with a pretty trembly, "um..?" She stopped me before my desire to spill random word vomit took over because I have a terrible fear of silence. She said, " Sorry just trying to process all that." I spun immediately into apology mode and felt ashamed I had even wrote it. She stopped me again before I made yet another foolish mistake. She told me it was fine and not a bad thing at all. That it just needs to be answered in turn very honestly. We talked for a while longer, a good sign in my eyes and I let her go begrudgingly to host my event that night. The next few days I was really freaked out. Having no idea how this would all come back to haunt me. I have never been that honest and open with a girl. This coming from a guy that doesn't lie and is generally very honest and open. I went above and beyond my limits. The sky was left far behind in my reach for hope.

There's that word again, "hope." For the last few months I had nursed an infant named hope and it was growing. In one week It shot up like some hydroponic plant. Forcing me to go through all it's life stages at once. The terrible twos of trepidation. The wonderful years where we get along and love each other. the bitter high school years where hope hates me and wants nothing to do with me. The college years where It's coming back around to liking me but I think it's only cause it wants something. Finally, full on grown up powerful hope. My heart is in this all the way now. There is no turning back. She says, "processing. will think on it and follow up with an honest response. open communication, right? you have opened the flood gates, so i hope you aren't disappointed with what comes out. don't be scared. not bad things." That message in it's self is terrifying. How can I be disappointed if the end result is I get to be with her. Better still is she knows I'm terrified. This girl can read me like a book.

I had only read my master soul opening diatribe to two people before reading it to Laura to get their opinions on it. Each of them said I had to send it to her. Afterwards, I let a few other very close friend leaf through it's contents and all they had to say was Wow! When this is all said and done and hopefully in my favor. I'll ask her if I can post it here or somewhere. See how the world feels about it as well. For now I wait, I hope beyond hope. I measure my time in seconds that feel like hours. My brain is a whirl of madness coalescing in one steady stream of consciousness. All I have to filter it is my mouth. So lets see how much trouble that gets me in.