Why we are the way we are.

So Mackenzie and I went to the Ren fest and wow was it cold. Did my best to keep her warm but yeah somethings are out of my hands lol. After seeing one of my favorite Pirate bands The Jolly Rogers. And many thanks to Mackenzie for turning me on to a band called The Decemberists how I have never heard of them blows my mind. On our way back after rushing as fast as our frozen feet could carry us to the car. We made it to Topeka in time to find our venue and then get some Red Lobster. Then off to one of the most entertaining Musicals I have ever seen and I highly recommend anyone checking this out. EVIL DEAD the Musicall. :) so much fun. Oddly enough the best friend in it was a Door Guy I knew from O Mallys. But yes ever so epic. Mackenzie and I's next adventure will be around Nov. 14th traveling back to my home town. Might be a major bonfire with some crazy explosions if my brother and I can make it happen lol.

For now this weekend I will have my art up in a private art show here in town and right after that rush off to Blood feast as one of the wild things. Should be a fun filled weekend with lots of crazy pictures. With any Luck Mackenzie will be feeling better. The week after this I'll have the pleasure of seeing the play she's in called The last Days of Judas Iscariot.

Finally I'll wax intellectual with you the few that read this lol.

Last night I had art night at my house and had Kevin, Zac, and Keagan over so yeah there were actually people working on art. But we were watching this crazy show with many different animations in it. One of them sparked a conversation about story telling and the effects it has on the youth. So I thought back and said really as children or even youthful teens we take what we want from stories and mold ourselves as such. Take a story with a powerful villain, add an unlikely hero and a damsel and what not. Basically any Disney movie. Sure the picture is painted that the villain is the bad one but what if you relate more to the villain in the story and or desire the power that they have. Even if they are defeated in the end you can still opt for that kind of power and hope to make choices that allow you to keep your ill gotten spoils. Sure we are all spoced to side with the hero but as I did many times in my youth related to the villain and the struggle they had to go through to maintain control of their dominion.

I found this particularly interesting when I had the chance to watch Mongol. Its a Russian made movie that obviously had a director in love with akira kurosawa. The movie was about Genghis Khan it showed how he rose to power and what he went through and as history tells it he was a conqueror who sparred few and ruled fiercely. Some might say a villain but the steps that lead him there are easily understandable and filled with good intentions. So it makes me wonder when we tell tales to impressionable minds what virtues are we actually imprinting on them. Traits of a hero we so long for them to become or are we showing them glimpses of the power that can so easily be obtained with the loss of scruples and the willingness to set aside your values for good intentions that ultimately fall into a deeper chaos.

Meh just some thoughts any way gotta work on some art peace.

Off to Chicago

So Mackenzie has allowed me to be super spontaneous as of late. Making plans at random and that's a breath of fresh air Coming from so many days of the same. Just waking up going to work coming home being a 4 hours social and then going to bed. So know we went to a random dinner theater. Unfortunately the food was horrible had some kind of pie which we couldn't figure out if the pie was either peaches or apples. Thats not a good thing. But the skit was really classic. A fun parody on spy movies from Bond to Austin Powers. After wards we got pie at Village Inn. We also are going to be going to see Evil Dead the Musical in Topeka and I'm definitely excited about that it's spoced to be really fun. That same day we will be driving to KC for the Ren Fest. Even more amazing then that kinda crazy randomness is that we booked a flight to Chicago and will be going to see Eddie izzard. She was over at my house late one night and we were talking about our mutual love for Eddie Izzard and I was like we should see when he's on tour. Oddly enough he was on tour just now but surely I thought this show in Chicago would be sold out. And this is the crazy fate part the tickets for that show went on sale the next morning at 10 and so there we were up at 10 in the morning buying tickets for Eddie izzard. So there you have it I am with Mackenzie on our way to Chicago pretty excited. :D Course it's in jan. That's going to be friggen amazing.

saintpepsi

These times they are a changing

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So been seeing this girl for a bit and enjoying her company for sure. Can't say if it will be going anywhere. but I have to admit i enjoy her company she's definitely into cuddling up n watching movies. Can't complain about that and she loves to read and learn and also pretty attractive not going to lie. Perks as well she's from Omaha which is where my brother lives so totally convenient road trip. So we will see I'm not going to want it to much because then it will fall to pieces cause thats just what happens.

In other news. Still working on trying to finish the multiple commissions I have. I was really hoping to be done with that big one from this summer. I will be trying to finish coloring all the ones I have already drawn so I don't have to feel like I'm putting off the coloring part. The picture you see above here is based off a character my brother designed by hand as a sculpture. Totally envious of those leet skills For sure. Work goes really well and yosakoi is gaining many new members. Alls well right now lets try and keep it that way :D

Speak and I will listen

Albert Schweitzer said, “In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”

I have had many experiences in my life and I rarely regret any of them. The ones I do regret involve hate. I hated my old preacher for many years for the things he did to my family and only recently forgave him and allowed myself to let that hate go. It was so relieving I cried on the spot. Hates a heavy thing to carry around with you and something I won't let myself deal with from now on.

Anyway recently this within this year anyway I have had the pleasure of working with a guy named Andre He was pretty shy at work at first really didn't open up to anyone and for some reason he choose me when I asked about his tattoos sense I knew a bit about the meaning behind them. Surprised that anyone else in this town would know anything about the Wicca Religion we started talking about our different beliefs and recently thanks to a lot of things I've been reading I have come into contact with an interesting shift in my own beliefs. Not the core things mind you but a realization that the powers that be may be very wide and of many different varieties. So you can never fully discount some one's beliefs because to believe in something anything can make it true. For example we as Christians ask others to believe in what we believe without a great deal of solid support albeit we find what we can to shift reason to our side. But in other belief settings there are powers that are equally unexplainable with completely different beliefs and gods behind them.

So today Andre gave me a rock ... one of those polished stones you know. I just kinda stared at it not really knowing what to say when he explained that it was his personal Anahata stone it was used for healing and to relieve stress in the body and soul. He wanted me to have it for my kindness to him. He also told me he had made me a dream pillow... much the same as a dream catcher with native American lore. I can imagine. Being a big fan of dreams and especially lucid dreaming I was eager to learn more about the dreaming realm. And if a pillow could ward off the dreams of evil looking to find safe harbor in my mind so be it. Now I don't know if what I felt was real or a projection through my body based on my brief belief in his belief system but I felt energy in the stone he gave me. Weird but make you wonder just what can come from true belief.

Christianity has through prayers cured incurable and often terminal patients and what what I know about Wicca its done similar things. I don't know all I know is that my kindness has effected a man's life and his life in turn is affecting mine. Truly a benevolent heart and a kind gesture can grant you access to the depths of the human soul far faster than bribery or false promises. Trust, caring and faith remains a key to the human heart. may it lead me to great places and may I never regret my experiences.

The curses and blessings of life.

Most people in this world strive to exceed excellence. I suppose I am the same but I must admit I'm usually content with the way my life goes. very relaxed not a lot of drama and with in my means. These last few weeks have been riddled with apathy, excitement, crushing financial blows, and random drama. So to start all this my mom whom is awesome sent me 800 bucks as a help you out in the future type of thing from surplus crop funds. That on top of the 1000 I got from a commission led me to get a new TV and surround sound system. And pay off a lot of my credit card debt all together at once. Got rid of one credit card. YAY! 2 more to go. Well right after all this getting ready to knock out another credit card with the money my mom sent me I got a bit of car trouble that came in the form of a Grand of damage... :'( So there went that 800 lucky for sure that my mom had just sent that money. Cherry's gone for a week thats kinda weird I haven't really gone that long without seeing her even if we aren't dating. She was due for a real adventure though. I have been somewhat apathetic this week mostly video games and art and tv Shows. i watched all of Season 2 of both burn notice and The Spectacular spiderman. These are both amazing shows that you all should check out.
Other than that still doing a bunch of commissions and really working on getting them done and upgrading my art in the process. Hence the picture up top one of my first successful waccom paintings of cthuhlu vs Hellboy hope you like it. Lastly getting caught in between a friendly fire end of relationship with two of your friends sucks. thats all bye now.

pepsi

Lonely Knights

It's nights like this when the world comes crashing down. When you do all you can to smile and laugh because there is no reason not to. When all the roads you have walked are seeming to be taking you places and all you can concentrate is that your walking them alone. It's been 3 months sense I broke up with cherry and it was a good break. It was a break up that should have happened I know that in the dark recesses of my mind. But there was comfort in having someone there you know. In being able to fall asleep and wake up and see the person you love next to you. And as I lay awake in bed waiting for the sun to rise and my eyes to fall based on need of sleep alone It all blossoms into loneliness. Tonight she asked me if there was anything she could do to help. Take me back I thought but didn't mean or really believe in. Knowing still the decision was solid. The worst part was our relationship blossomed to become even stronger and yes that's not a bad thing. But I stop and think why couldn't that have been the way the relationship itself worked. Why did it feel so stagnated by the reality of the future. The impending doom at the dead end.

I'm a romantic I always have been I put myself fully into any relationship and yet I live in a college town where girls are just now “finding” themselves trying to figure out what they want in life which makes them all the more appealing and yet all the more subjective to whim. The singles scene is over laden with girls looking for the solid guys but they have blinders on for guys that just want to party and get drunk Or on the other end of that spectrum are the girls who are career lead, “oh I have no time for relationships now how about a hook up.” No investment, not love. Just to follow the feeling of pleasure to remind ourselves that we can feel it before we move on to the next thrill. I love Manhattan I truly do it's close to my family all of whom I care for deeply and have been nothing if not the greatest support system in my life. But this week which I admit has been a down week for me. Most of my friends too busy to hang out or out fo town and myself to self annihilating to leave the comfort of my pencil and paper. I've created more art in this week than in the last 2 months. Pushing myself to excel at it.. To met my own expectations in my world. Relying on the Lord of dreams to offer me the sanctuary in the arms of the girls I have loved and Lord Morpheus has done his part well, I fault him not for the feelings of loneliness when I stretch out in the morning to grasp at the wisps of dreams lost. Content to let the world spin as I unravel yet another predictable day. I am not disillusioned that I feel scorn for myself or self worth I know I'm the handsome young man my mom loves, the hot and ready devilish entrepreneur that can fulfill a girls desires and the artistic mind to challenge myself and wow those around me. I know where I need to go and I plan on getting there.

But weeks like these where I watch crushes walk on by without the courage to tell them my hearts truth or steal away my own drama in a friends listening ear for fear of burdening them with my own seemingly mundane problems. Its all to short this existence but you need to feel the lows to love the highs; something I told cherry tonight when she offered her ear for my troubles. Its a mourning period I had set aside for a raining day not wanting anyone to see just how fragile this giant can be. I love my real friends those that will always be there for me through thick and thin... my family of course cherry, amber, Nathan, CJ and others down that path that shifts and swings with the unrelenting chaos of time. I don't even know what or who I want right now I just know I'm walking down the right path to get there. I wonder if other people and I'm sure they do go through similar bouts with their subconscious mind, whom has been oddly supportive as of late leading to a much greater surge of confidence but a much greater realization of my own responsibility. I couldn't talk to cherry tonight not like I would have liked and thank you CJ for being there to let me sit and mope on your couch while watching a ridiculous road trip movie. Sometimes the easiest answer is to watch a really dumb funny movie.

But for now no worries my friends for every low there is a high and I'm an optimist so be sure it's right there around the corner waiting to bring me from these dark depths. Sometimes you just have to be patient. Mhm had to rain tonight. I love the rain, absolutely love it but as far as a downer mood misrepresent it fails magnificently. Much love to you all and to all a good night.

Into the dreaming again

I was in the Dreaming realm again last night I had hoped to seek an audience with Ryan but these things are hard to time him being in another country with a different sleep schedule. I ended up instead in well it wasn't a nightmare in the whole of my life I never have remembered any more than like 3 of those. Morpheus has been good to me. But no this was more just an uncomfortable dream. Cherry and I were hanging out together and for some reason tweeker after tweeker kept coming in and just crowding us. I knew not where to go or what to do and all I wanted to do was just hang out with cherry and talk but they kept at us and finally they all departed and we were about to have a conversation when Karina a friend of mine called in the living plane. So I was whisked back to my reality just short of what ever the Dreaming wanted me to see. Funny how the things we want are always just out of reach in the Dreaming.

Speaking of the Endless I have nearly completed work on all of them only a few left to finish the group same with the Neverwhere crew. I have been in a huge Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet swing lately all be it I'm reading Children of Hurin by JR Tolkien. In other news---

The single life in all it's glory is just as obnoxious. I suppose it wouldn't be so if everyone around me didn't have spring fever. So many of my friends are either hooking up or acquiring new loved ones dear to them. I don't know its like I need to jump into the fray and lay claim to a girl before I even know if we are compatible. Then again I don't really want to be with someone else its that damnable spring fling fever. Gets under your skin turns men green with envy as I found out in a hot tube this weekend when a co worker got rather hostile verbally when I seemed to be gaining head way with a girl he was interested in. Far be it from me to know his every whim. That's why I like the way me and what seems to be my new best friend CJ interact we know when one or the other has a shot and does the proper thing and supports the other. Although now he's found himself a young girl to take his head from him. sigh... I need to be there for someone I'm a giver and without someone to give to well I spoil myself. whatever life has always been good to me I'm sure it will all come around again be it love or lust. It was a blast getting all dolled up last night to go to the speakeasy party. Check out my pics on facebook I looked good :D

Lastly, smoking is bad for you. That's what I've been told. Yellows your fingers and teeth, gives bad breath and oh yeah cancer. Lastly something most don't it permanently burns out this thing in your throat that allows flim to drain down your through resulting in a cough or smokers hack. So many reasons no to but on the other hand it encourages social interactions. It gets people outside. I can't think of how many times I have seen some of the most beautiful star filled skies because I stepped out to have a smoke. It encourages generosity. A smoker will always give away smokes unless it's the last one in case no one will actually accept it even if offered. It does fuel a sense of relaxation after a hard day or a sexual encounter. Generally, its good. However I think after these last few I'll be quiting to often do I smoke more than I should and don't feel 100% the next day. So wish me luck. I don't think I'm really addicted but addicts always say that. lol. Just need to remember to buy gum.

ps starting a new comic with some friends check out the first panel it looks like it will be a fun project.