Lonely Knights

It's nights like this when the world comes crashing down. When you do all you can to smile and laugh because there is no reason not to. When all the roads you have walked are seeming to be taking you places and all you can concentrate is that your walking them alone. It's been 3 months sense I broke up with cherry and it was a good break. It was a break up that should have happened I know that in the dark recesses of my mind. But there was comfort in having someone there you know. In being able to fall asleep and wake up and see the person you love next to you. And as I lay awake in bed waiting for the sun to rise and my eyes to fall based on need of sleep alone It all blossoms into loneliness. Tonight she asked me if there was anything she could do to help. Take me back I thought but didn't mean or really believe in. Knowing still the decision was solid. The worst part was our relationship blossomed to become even stronger and yes that's not a bad thing. But I stop and think why couldn't that have been the way the relationship itself worked. Why did it feel so stagnated by the reality of the future. The impending doom at the dead end.

I'm a romantic I always have been I put myself fully into any relationship and yet I live in a college town where girls are just now “finding” themselves trying to figure out what they want in life which makes them all the more appealing and yet all the more subjective to whim. The singles scene is over laden with girls looking for the solid guys but they have blinders on for guys that just want to party and get drunk Or on the other end of that spectrum are the girls who are career lead, “oh I have no time for relationships now how about a hook up.” No investment, not love. Just to follow the feeling of pleasure to remind ourselves that we can feel it before we move on to the next thrill. I love Manhattan I truly do it's close to my family all of whom I care for deeply and have been nothing if not the greatest support system in my life. But this week which I admit has been a down week for me. Most of my friends too busy to hang out or out fo town and myself to self annihilating to leave the comfort of my pencil and paper. I've created more art in this week than in the last 2 months. Pushing myself to excel at it.. To met my own expectations in my world. Relying on the Lord of dreams to offer me the sanctuary in the arms of the girls I have loved and Lord Morpheus has done his part well, I fault him not for the feelings of loneliness when I stretch out in the morning to grasp at the wisps of dreams lost. Content to let the world spin as I unravel yet another predictable day. I am not disillusioned that I feel scorn for myself or self worth I know I'm the handsome young man my mom loves, the hot and ready devilish entrepreneur that can fulfill a girls desires and the artistic mind to challenge myself and wow those around me. I know where I need to go and I plan on getting there.

But weeks like these where I watch crushes walk on by without the courage to tell them my hearts truth or steal away my own drama in a friends listening ear for fear of burdening them with my own seemingly mundane problems. Its all to short this existence but you need to feel the lows to love the highs; something I told cherry tonight when she offered her ear for my troubles. Its a mourning period I had set aside for a raining day not wanting anyone to see just how fragile this giant can be. I love my real friends those that will always be there for me through thick and thin... my family of course cherry, amber, Nathan, CJ and others down that path that shifts and swings with the unrelenting chaos of time. I don't even know what or who I want right now I just know I'm walking down the right path to get there. I wonder if other people and I'm sure they do go through similar bouts with their subconscious mind, whom has been oddly supportive as of late leading to a much greater surge of confidence but a much greater realization of my own responsibility. I couldn't talk to cherry tonight not like I would have liked and thank you CJ for being there to let me sit and mope on your couch while watching a ridiculous road trip movie. Sometimes the easiest answer is to watch a really dumb funny movie.

But for now no worries my friends for every low there is a high and I'm an optimist so be sure it's right there around the corner waiting to bring me from these dark depths. Sometimes you just have to be patient. Mhm had to rain tonight. I love the rain, absolutely love it but as far as a downer mood misrepresent it fails magnificently. Much love to you all and to all a good night.