Shoulda listened

I have nearly been with Cherry for a yr and as that mark approaches I realize now that I have a head as think as steel sometimes. We have had our share of troubles and while she thinks she's to blame on many of them I have been recently learning that it might have something to do with me not listening. Sometimes, even when I am trying to be... well do things for her it could be things she doesn't want at all. Hell sometimes the best thing to do is just let things be and give some space. As I have looked at many relationships it has been said over and over again that it comes down to conversation and how well you can read your partner. No amount of sex, good times and or commonality can make up for a deaf ear. I am not stupid, nor am I unable to change. Especially, now that I have really started listening. Don't get me wrong I still screw this up. Sometimes, it can take a bit of time to understand when I need to really listen and when we are merely being playful. First off is tonality. When she wants me to really lets say; "let a subject drop" or do something she has asked. She'll adopt a different tone in her voice. This is something I would do well to memorize. Her eyes too. It takes a great deal of time to be able to read any one's eyes. But when I should be listening; my loves eyes change or at least it's very subtle. Small things like this and like Her entire countenance stiffening. These should all be bell ringers. Much like a man though I get my own idea and miss some of these blatant hints thrown my way and charge off head strong to do my own thing. This becomes exceedingly confusing when I get into this gotta fix it mode. If I do something wrong and I know it I get really determined to make whatever I did right by any means possible. Never even hearing the "never mind" or "it's ok" I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. One of my lesser attributes I promise. You are helping me see the folly in such actions when easily not necessary. So I ask you my love to bear with me sometimes while I learn to better listen to you. "We," are important to me and I'll keep my senses on alert to better judge situations in the future so as to not fall victim to another situation I could have avoided had I just listened.

pepsi

Dearest February I will remember you fondly!

Wow Feb. Was quite a month. Lets see It marked the end of Cherry and I's break, The Anniversary of our first ever meeting the start of a new play for Cherry to be in, The arrival and subsequent hanging out I got to do with my brothers and mother, A super hero party, the bed, Cherry's Birthday, and our 11 month marker for being together. So lets see if I can blog a bit and do it all justice.

The end of the break well that was what it was it was really kind of un-spoken we just started hanging out again. I feel a few conversation lead to this but between the two of us we have really been doing well. Our relationship is really more passionate and caring than before and I do my best to give her the space and independence she needs and she allows me my creative times as well. Our Partnership is much more understood I think. Anyway on to much more delightful news.

Cherry and I first met at Ella house. While I would not consider it favorable for me romantically that night... it was none the less fortuitous that I came across her. She was as always beautiful. Sporadic and spontaneous in her own way. She had me puzzled to begin with a puzzle I hope to always work on and finish much later in life. Anyway I was the least of her concerns that night and we both being flirts did our fair share with any passing fancy and we both passed a fancy for each other and that was about all. Still it was by right our tale of origin. So we celebrated it. The party was fun I ended up comforting a friend who fell on ill times. But what can ya do. The party also turned out to a be a kinda second cast party for Cherry's play... Intimate Apparel. The first being at my place very impromptu the night before. That was also fun but with many less people. Both events ended well.

The next two things happened all at once. Chery's birthday party where she turned 22 and my family congregating in Manhattan. Quite epic indeed. My mother whose passion is buying cute and lovable cards for people made Cherry's work day with a card and we had pizza. Taking the night off souly for her we went out to the bars and hung out for a while with after hours events at our friends house. We had a blast and it was good to get us all together again our work schedules have been keeping us apart lately. The next day I spent mostly with my brother Stephen, his friend Andrew and GF Karlynn. Where I missed him falling down a hill and busting up his whole body trying to long board. What ever were Mizells the scars on our body tell the story of our life lol. Later that day I had my now crippled brother help me get a new bed. Something I have needed to do for ohhhhhhhh 7 yrs lol. Mine was... well... I kinda slept on the floor. I got a decent deal on a bed and have now slept very well sense. Anyway the getting it home was the most interesting part as the Wind Gods decided to play games with it.

That Monday was our 11 month Sadly we barely got to hang out due to scheduled conflicts but the time we did spend together was good we actually spent it putting together costumes for The Super hero night at Auntie Mae's Parlor. Good lord that was a blast we even got my roommates Nate and Dallas out of the house. Cherry and I of course stayed home ;) too much excitement you see. But two dashing super hero types that looked a lot like us were seeing having a blast Clod and Frizz.

Lastly I would like to make a special note on something that has become a Thursday habit for my GF and I. We get some wine, she picks out an interesting book... although I'm picking next time lol. And we coozie up to a roaring fire, drink a little wine, and take turns reading to each other in a dimly lit room. This as fast become one of my favorite nights of the week based primarily on this one event. Seems it will always be the small simple times I spend with my love that will matter the most I hope this new tradition will continue as long as we can.

Well wow that was way to much i should update here more often See you all next time.

Lines on the Road

LINES ON THE ROAD

There it stands before me and them
Sometimes 2, sometimes 1, and others just dashes
I counted you when I was but a child
You were the invisible gate
A line to determine our origins and our endings
As I aged I realized your importance
I realized what negligence to your rules meant
I tested the waters anyway swaying ever closer to danger
Legally you allow us to cross at times
At our own peril; at speeds to conquer
But even our brief trips were governed
A slight slip and the consequences were great
What lay just across your invisible wall
I can see it all and yet I cannot access it at length
Just to touch that freedom
To tear from the lines governing my life
To experience chances with fate
It is not rational. NO!
However, I still have these desires
Cross my double line
Steal away the possibility to coast safely
To find a new ending sooner than my destination
A double line to determine our origins and our endings
A flashing light to re direct
A piercing sound to bring me back to reality
Alas a monitory increment to remind me of my frailty
A new cage constructed in my mind locked with a slip of yellow
A new destination at a time to be determined
Freedom so close slips away again
Stolen by the double line
Stolen by the enforcers of civility
These urges pass
I return to the right and drive on
Ever wary of the intangible wall
The dark tunnel of night
Facing down your end in two high beams

-saintpepsi-

One Year.

Well it's been one year sense I first laid eyes on Cherry. It was of course at an Ella house Anti- Valentines day party. I had been going to parties at ella for... Wow! 2 years at that point I think Hell! I knew them before they even moved to ella. I meet Holly on DA when she was still engaged to Jimbo. This night was something special for me and I look back on it fondly. I hadn't expected to fall for anyone. I think at that point I had given up trying to find a partner. Ussually, that's when these things happen. Not that our relationship blossomed right then. There was I must say a spark though. Off hand I spoke to her a few times she was new and exciting to the ella scene. With hair untamed and wild; easily a characteristic shared by her whole spirit. Still shared I might add. She loved to dance and spin and sing and at one point fell into my lap on the comfy couch in their basement. We just kinda cuddled up there together. Started talking more and I was drawn to her she was so intoxicating. I have never been a big drinker but my head was spinning with the attention from this new girl. She told me her name was Candy. Thinking back... a fake alias was just another perk; had we not been interupted I truly believe we would have ended up at least kissing that night. What would that have changed for how the rest of our relationship went. Sometimes I wonder. However, it grew late and I had to work the following day so I bid them all farewell except for the mysterious candy and went on my way. She too had disapeared. When I got home i set to find the girl who stole my breath away. Finding not Candy in the parties Attending list but Chay Rae while I was sure she told me her name was Candy the picture didn't lie and her hair was un mistakably hers. So I added her on Facebook and sent her a message regretting that I had not said a proper goodbye to her. After a bit a surprised reply in that I had found her and she wished I hadn't left so early she had wanted to give me a goodnight kiss. Well my crush jumped up a few notches after that for sure. It has been an interesting trek after that sprinkled with a bit of perserverance, friendly drama, and me playing a tride and true gentleman until on a sunny Easter day she would say yes to my question of relationship. Wow! One year I have known my wonderful Cherry and that's one year I'll admit was very well spent. She's changed my life and I think the world of her. Even though she thinks I'm crazy for loving her the way I do. She is and will always be worth it. Here's to us my love one year sense we first met.

How we know all of you

How I see you...

Who are you?

You are everyone I have ever met.

I see you for who you chose to show me.

I understand this is the only way to know you at first.

A mask to test the water and see if it's luke warm.

The more I get to know you the deeper my sight becomes.

I see past the careful form fitting face you adopted for this situation.

New facets arise and surface with remarkable clarity.

Sometimes, you aren't someone I want to know; your soul reaks of hate.

Other times you are surprisingly fun. A shining light you only show those closest too you.

You are everything you want me to see.

You dance in a whirlwind of colors and distracting gestures.

You are shy, out going, boisterous, rude, benevolent, cruel, loving, and mysterious.

Until you show me who you really are how can I truly know you.

You show your self unconsciously sometimes; a wince or a nod betray your true feelings.

A smile can say many things you know, and your eyes even more.

You are my friend and foe.

You are my heroe and my villian.

You are everyone I know.

You are everything i know.

I don't know if I would call this a poem, kinda feels like one. I was just thinking about all my friends and people I know and how well I know them. Some could have me easily fooled others I have come to know far to close for them to lie to me. It's strange sometimes to finally break that barrier we all put up, that mask we show the world. The front we allow others to see without letting our true selves out thinking them to frail. The worst is when you finally understand that someone you have known for a decent length of time is a total stranger. I am happy to have been allowed into a trust with Cherry getting to know her more is a new adventure and I relish the experience. She is blossoming before me her many facets only deepening my affections for her. Although sometimes confusing and disorienting I have strived to always see her side of things and understand her better. This is the nature of any relationship. To know someone better; I wonder to all of you out there how well do I really know you. Which of your many masks do you show me or am I so privileged to see the real you. I consider it an honor if that's the face I truly see. It's never easy releasing the control we have to show others the self we want them to see. Sometimes, ultimately necessary though. To all my friends I love you all and thank you so much for allowing me to know you better. To those who flaunt their masks so rigid and formless before me the frosting on a rotting cake, soul filled with disdain and hate. You await the hammer it will crack your visage soon enough and what will you be left with but the now empty shell you hid from the world.

Intimate Apparel

So I went to the opening night of Cherry's Play Intimate Apparel, The characters in this play really shown. Their talents clearly visible with their portrayals. Obviously I was focused on my love the lead. Her whimsical and yet reserved nature causing me to smile often and yet hurt even more for her when she is cast aside by the man that should love her more than any. It was a beautiful emotional ride. Highs and lows, happy moments and moments of ghastly loss. You see whom her real friends turn out to be and whom she can truly trust. They have her all bundled up in a pretty large dress for the majority of the play which is all the more amazing when it is shed for a moment to reveal her bodies true beauty hiding secretively beneath. The different levels of her character are shown with how she interacts with each of the characters. With Mr Marks whom is very reserved and religiously not allowed to touch her she feels a forbidden fruit esq bond. And they share similar affinities for fabric, With the upper class white lady played by my friend Ashley Kings she feels almost slavish yet still goes to her for help with the letters. Her land lady and mother figure shines with the voice of reason for the play but how often love can be blinding, and her best friend the harlot that she designs her intimate apparel for truly show how she wouldn't judge a friend no matter what she does for a living. Although thanks to the presence of George the new man in her life her would is thrown Topsy turvy her friends and confidants all seem to fail at the wrong times and she gives up everything for the hope of happiness. The story is wonderfully portrayed and I was so impressed and nearly speechless to see my dear pull it off. She was something to behold. I know this play was very draining on her but in a great way she made it work out and i think lately we have even come closer because of it. To you my love you deserve all the praise I could lavish on you. I'm so proud of you and love you so much.

How I Read

So I read in one of three ways; one of which most would not consider to be reading but those people also like eating mushrooms... ewwwwww Anyway, When I can I like to read in a place with things going on around me. For instance at a bar, restaurant, or coffee shop I find the healthy amount of distraction allows me to concentrate better. I have one of those ADD minds I guess you could call it. Usually, I have to multitask and reading is something that you have to do one at a time. For instance when I draw I draw and watch tv, movies, whatever, check things online what ever I can but ultimately I focus on drawing. So when I read and have things going on around me it allows a portion of myself to focus on things around me while the rest focus' on reading. Sounds weird but its actually one of the most fool proof ways I have found... I tried walking and reading at the same time but it's cold out for one and two I tripped a lot. So that's way out.

Way two is if I have to in an easy chair in my living room with a reading light, Fire place lit (optional - if I want to take the effort to get it going) With a knit blanket my mother gave me for Christmas... (by the way mom that blanket is sooo awesome!!!) Leaning back with a bottle of water at my side and if I'm lucky a granola bar or something easy to munch on that won't trek from my fingers to the pages. After getting that all set up I put on some music. Now I have the scores to many different types of movies. These I find to work the best... For instance if you are reading a swords ans sorcery book listen to LOTR, POTC, Harry Potter, Narnia tales any of those work or if you reading sci-fi like when I read Ender's Game, the scores to Battlestar Gallactica, star wars, Star Trek I mean pick your poison they all work just find commonality with your themes. I personally am a big fan of swords and sorcery my favorite author is David Farland, Recently, I finished C. Paolini's third book Brisingr that my mom got for me It was very good defiantly looking forward to the next one in that series. Currently, I'm reading the third book in the Wayfinders Redemption series by Sara Douglass. The picture at the top is from Brisingr of Eragon. Usually, with the fire and the music it allows me to concentrate pretty well although the comfort of being at home makes it very easy to fall asleep.

Lastly, this one being the one most will probably assume isn't really reading but I feel I get through a book anyway and can multitask at the same time is... Audio books, I'm about to finish up the Dark Tower series all of which I listened too on audio book. This is only ever bad if they get a really annoying voice actor or change from a good voice actor to a different one in the middle of a series. Either way I also like listening to books. Usually, I will listen to books on long road trips if I'm by myself or when I am at home and coloring in pictures as digital coloring is also a job that requires focus and a lack of multi-tasking. two birds one stone right. Usually, I listen to series that I don't feel I would have gotten around to reading. Sometimes if a series is really good after I finish listening to it I will go buy the hard back. Which by the way is a must. If you can find a hard back copy always buy that. they are way better that paperback. Smell better too. To the people who read this how do you like to read?

pepsi