She's a minefield

So as I said it was the Renn Fair and I was pretty excited to spend that time with Laura. In fact the whole of the weekend went super well. Till right before she left she sort of dropped a bomb on me. After telling me she was damaged. A bomb that haunted me. So to hopefully alleviate the coming news whatever it may be I did something that I hadn't done sense the last time I chased her. I wrote her an email. See when I write emails they tend to be long and forthcoming. This one I held back on anything I thought might have been overwhelming as that's what got me into trouble the last time. In fact it was my overwhelming nature that spooked her although I don't think I had a real chance the last time anyway. My romantic ways didn't help in the matter. So I sent her this email basically saying I don't care what damages you have I'm ready to be there for you in any capacity you need. It has been my first outpouring of yes I want us to move forward sense our renewed acquaintance. Still I feel like I'm walking through a mine field with this girl. Every time I try and do anything that builds communication and understanding it's met with a new wall. A new block or new opposition. I can't seem to dodge or forgo these obstacles. Personally, it's almost backwards to me in a world that favors the bold she seems to favor the busted, broken, and cautious. Neither of which I am anymore. So yeah I have a job, I am becoming quite successful both in writing and art. I have aspiring roles in 3 different websites all art related and I am actually making a name for myself. I pay my own bills, I have good credit. Hell I'm a stand up individual. I've had my heartbroken, but it's not slowing me down. I'm pushing on in all ways I can. So after sending this email I had hoped for some sort of a response not even a response to the letter just a hey I got it and I'm not freaked out. So I got nervous after a day, worried after 2 days. Which prompted a second text but I stayed within my guidelines of never texting more than once a day. Still when she called she sounded annoyed. As if my worrying were something burdensome to her. That quickly passed sense she knows my mind plays war games with me. Which I have finally found the answer to. Simply put I need to accept failure. I need to assume I have lost already. If I don't it will be a happy surprise if she comes for me and if I do fail then I'll surely be ready. That's the position I'll adopt now. My mind has little defense against such a tactic so I think I'll be able to rest easy. I acknowledge I shouldn't have worried like I did. It does neither of us any good. She asked if I thought she would hate me and I simply said "No." I was only worried it may have been taken badly. I'm tired of playing these games with myself and her. I'm ready and if she's not so be it. She said something else that was oddly cryptic. She said, "I can't be responsible for your happiness." Which is something I never asked her to be responsible for so I was a little shocked by that line of reasoning. Still it is what it is. I shall be defeated. I'll throw in my towel and let life take me where it wants. I have resigned myself to be me and love the things I am doing in the here and now. I'll push hope to the wayside because hope results in nervousness and worrying. No need to hope if I have failed. I gave her my plea and if it's not something she can abide by I'll move on. So that's where I am now world. See you in the marrow.