I'm Tired

I'm tired. Tired of working these 45 hr weeks. Tired of constantly creating in some form. I love it it's not a bad thing but it's draining. Most of all chasing the ghost of a relationship I've been after. It's been almost a year and in that year we have had so many almosts and come so close it can be very defeating. It seems like anything I do or don't do falls to the way side. I can't seem to shake what ever road blocks have been set between Laura and I. I realize distance is an issue. She does live 2 hours away but in that she is given her space. She knows she has all the space in the world and so it's not that that hinders me. I can be there for her if she needs me or when she needs me. 2 hours isn't a hard drive. Most of my friend in LA have a 2 hour drive to see their significant others and they live in the same town. That's ridiculous. Plus I know she has maintained long distance relationships in the past and I wouldn't be one to make her do all the work. I used to be very romantic and giving. Still that seemed to lead me to trouble as she thought it was overwhelming. So I have cut that to bare bones as of late. It's still there but I won't be forcing it on her. I am still me and that's what she wanted the extra stuff seemed to just be too much. So no more of that. Calling her too often landed in that category as well. She's not a big phone, IM or text talker. Mostly, it just bugs her. Previously, she said it feels like a serious relationship when you talk everyday and she just wasn't looking for serious. I know I was. So this second time around I have restricted my calling, texting and messages. She has told me she really likes this whole being single and getting to know herself thing. Still I hate being held at bay because what I want isn't ready for me yet. To say she wants us is I think a safe assumption. When we are together everything is there. We are happy and sparks do seem to fly. I realize she finds it hard to even trust herself to be with me because of what I represent. Hope. I represent forever and that's something she wants but she's not ready for yet. So what do I do? Do I stay back and keep my fingers crossed hoping someday soon she'll see us as an US or do I just move on and be content to be her friend? Well that's what I had aimed for previously. When I went down there my full intention was to just be that friend. Still she gave me decent reason to believe she wanted more. Still she drew away. A fear maybe that what if we could work out. A fear that if we didn't would we be lost from each other again. I still believe a lot of these fears have been alleviated by our reunion. If we were going to be broken apart we wouldn't be talking and texting and seeing each other. I suppose that says something. Still we will see. I am so tired of this chase and after Octobers Harry Potter Party if I don't know if we are moving forward I believe I'll be moving on. It's the only sane choice I can make and she'll have to let me go or chase after me. It's really on her now. I've walled up my heart when it comes to this girl and for good reason. Guess time will tell but time's something that seems to be making me weaker.

-Art - Firefly of course